50 Shades Of Grey Producers To Release TWO Versions Of The Adapted Film — One Wild, One Mild

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Nice Move

When I first heard that 50 Shades of Grey was being adapted into a movie, I had one thought: “How?” It’s a sex book, and while I know those types of films exist, my understanding is that they generally have weak plots, pizza delivery boys, and are found, more often than not, online. No judgment if you’re into that type of entertainment in either movie, or book form, but this isn’t your typical teen trilogy turned nationwide obsession, turned movie series a la Twilight or The Hunger Games (even though…it kind of is).

The only options producer Dana Brunetti had were to water down the literotica, or create a film for the back room at Blockbuster. You see, kids, Blockbuster is a place that used to exist a very long time ago, where you could rent any movie you wanted to see, on VHS, provided that everybody else hadn’t rented it out that week — like a library, for movies. It existed, because Al Gore or somebody was still trying to make the internet happen. In the back of the establishment, behind a curtain, was where all the sickos would go to rent their pornography. Masturbating wasn’t always as shame-free as it is today. It was a darker time back then. Count your lucky stars.

Brunetti did what any man trying to please thousands of women sexually would do: he listened to them. (See what I did there? It’s funny, because most guys don’t listen. LOL. I’m killing myself.)

‘What we’re kind of hearing from the fans is they want it dirty… they want it as close as possible [to the book],’

Of course that’s what they want. Everyone and their mother didn’t read this abomination of literature for the quality of writing, or the thrilling storyline. So what’s a producer to do? Add in the racy sex scenes that will surely garner the film an NC-17 rating, pleasing fans, but causing sales to plummet, or make the film available for mainstream cinemas, in an adaptation that’s less true to the book?

That’s right, ladies. 50 Shades will be made into not one, but TWO movies, one with an R rating, and the other with the rare-to-come-by NC-17 rating to be released a few weeks later. In Britain, the wilder version will have a rating of R18 and certain theatres will be able to get licensing to become sex-film venues for the movie’s release. FUN.

50 Shades is set to hit theatres on February 13, 2015 — perfect for a Valentine’s date night, or more realistically, a romantic evening for one.

[via Daily Mail]

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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