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51 Thoughts You’ll Have While Watching The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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  1. I’m not going to watch it. I’m not going to watch it. I’m not going to watch it.
  2. Well, maybe for, like, a minute.
  3. But only to see if Taylor Swift actually makes out with a girl.
  4. Honestly, though, I’d probably make out with Taylor Swift, too.
  5. If I was drunk. Or sober. Or whatever.
  6. So, basically this is going to be an hour of me internally crying and wishing I looked like that.
  7. While sitting next to my boyfriend who wishes I looked like that.
  8. And trying to hide his boner.
  9. Cool. FML.
  10. I wonder if I still have a membership at LA Fitness.
  11. Do memberships expire if you haven’t been to the gym in…ever?
  12. I bet all of these girls have shitty personalities.
  13. At least I’m funny. And I can write wicked good thank you notes. I bet they don’t even write their own thank you notes.
  14. That means they’re totally rude. Naturally.
  15. These women get paid actual money for this.
  16. Not Monopoly money, either. Real people money.
  17. I would have to pay someone to let me walk around in my underwear on television.
  18. Or, like, get someone to pay my bail since I’d most likely be arrested for indecent exposure.
  19. And not having a “squat ass.”
  20. I’d love to challenge one of these bitches to a Chipotle eating competition.
  21. You versus me, skinny Angel bitch. You versus me.
  22. When does Ariana Grande get hit in the face?
  23. That will make all this torture worth it.
  24. Ugh, some of these girls are actually younger than I am.
  25. The only thing I have accomplished in life is having more than 1,000 Myspace friends.
  26. And these women make money for having an awesome body and wearing a million dollar bra.
  27. Life is really un-fucking-fair.
  28. Why didn’t Judy Blume write about this?
  29. I wonder if these Angels have ever tried pizza.
  30. Or red velvet cupcakes. Or pizza.
  31. They couldn’t have ever tried pizza. If they did, they wouldn’t look like this.
  32. “Yes, I want extra cheese. What do I sound like, a fucking amateur?”
  33. They look like goddesses while I’m sitting here in my stained T-shirt and sweatpants, instagramming a picture of the pizza I just ordered.
  34. And adding a caption about how I’m totally confident in my body and I don’t need to look like a sexbot to be happy.
  35. I’M FUCKING HAPPY WITH MY LOVE HANDLES, OKAY?
  36. LOL JK, I’d be much happier if I looked like that.
  37. I feel like I already saw and got depressed about this whole thing thanks to Facebook.
  38. This is basically stripping, right?
  39. That’s somebody’s daughter up there.
  40. Ugh, the word “panties.” UGH. Stop it right now.
  41. It’s underwear. Or unmentionables. Or pantaloons, for heaven’s sake.
  42. LOL at them saying they eat before the show.
  43. Or ever.
  44. Is that what real abs look like?
  45. I’m pretty sure my body wouldn’t look like that even if I worked out all day, every day, for the next, uh, 90 years.
  46. There’s no way these girls are “angels.”
  47. More like seductive, potential boyfriend-stealing she-devils.
  48. They’re not selling clothes, they’re selling their bodies, and I am OUTRAGED.
  49. And also, I’d like to go buy every single thing on their website, like, now.
  50. Whatever. I don’t even care. Self-love. Inner beauty. Moral compass.
  51. Fuck this.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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