53 Reasons Why Being Home For The Summer Is The Worst


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Nice Move

Home for the Summer

  1. Everyone knows that you’re not twenty-one so LOL at using that fake.
  2. Even though it 100 percent looks like you. Minus the height.
  3. And the hair color.
  4. And the eye color.
  5. And the ethnicity.
  6. But even if you are twenty-one, the cashiers who used to deny you liquor in high school give you a side-eye every time you buy a giant bottle of wine.
  7. Which just so happens to be every day.
  8. Your parents expect you to be home before midnight on the weekends.
  9. You know, like a curfew. Like what you had in high school. Before you were a highly educated college student.
  10. And when you don’t agree to that because you’re not a literal infant, they get pissed.
  11. And then you get pissed.
  12. And then everyone hates everyone and you start crying (like an infant) because they just don’t get it.
  13. Speaking of infants, you’ll be watching them because everyone wants you to babysit.
  14. And even though you tell them that you’re using this summer as “me time” to reflect on life, you do it.
  15. Because now that you’re in college you realize that money is a thing.
  16. A thing that you don’t have.
  17. Your mother seems to be under the illusion that you’re a live-in maid.
  18. Netflix told you to go outside and find some friends because you’ve literally watched everything.
  19. Except all of your friends were smart and decided not to go home for the summer.
  20. So you’re stuck looking at their Instagrams filled with drunken nights in your college town.
  21. Or hanging out with hot guys abroad.
  22. Or getting white girl wasted on a fucking cruise and meeting celebrities and taking perfect underwater mermaid pictures because life isn’t fair.
  23. So you decided that you were going to get skinny and tan this summer because what else is there to do?
  24. But for the first time in months there’s actually food in your fridge.
  25. And you have no friends who want to sit at the beach/pool/lake/tanning bed with you every day so you accept the fact that you’ll be pale.
  26. And fat.
  27. Everyone asks you how school is going.
  28. And you try to avoid telling them that your GPA is always low, your BAC is always high, and you’ve had a few too many pregnancy scares.
  29. But considering the look on their faces, and the fact that you’re Facebook friends, you can just tell that they know.
  30. So you say that it’s fine, and avoid being seen in public.
  31. Your mom keeps asking if you have a boyfriend yet.
  32. And you try to explain that you’re sort of seeing a guy without making it seem like you just hook up with him after happy hour.
  33. Which is, you know, exactly what you do.
  34. So you text him because he said he would be thinking about you all summer.
  35. And because your mom now thinks that the two of you are basically engaged.
  36. But it turns out that he’s not thinking about you.
  37. Because you’re an idiot and left him up at school with a whole bunch of slutty freshmen girls.
  38. And you pretend that you didn’t see him tagged in a picture with his whore of an ex-girlfriend.
  39. But you did. So you think about texting your high school boyfriend.
  40. Even though you know have noooo idea if he’s even home for the summer.
  41. JK. You know that he got home five days, three hours, and twenty-two minutes ago, thanks to Facebook.
  42. And you’re pretty sure that he’s not in a relationship.
  43. And that he would most likely really like to catch up (read: have intercourse) with you.
  44. So you text him.
  45. And you two “catch up.”
  46. And then you remember why he’s your ex-boyfriend.
  47. You know. The insecurities over his penis size.
  48. The fact that he wears his socks during sex.
  49. That whole mouth breathing thing.
  50. And so you have to re-dump your insecure high school boyfriend all over again.
  51. And yes, he’s a crier.
  52. And honestly, you just want to post pictures with your imaginary boyfriend on crazy summer adventures that will get you over 300 “likes” and make everyone else jealous. Is that too much to ask?
  53. Yes. It is. Because you decided to stay home for the summer. And you really effed up.

Fall can’t come soon enough.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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