1. You’re expected to be hairless.
2. So you spend an extra 20 minutes in the shower trimming all of your body hair, only to be told that your showers are way too long and you’re killing the planet.
3. It’s your silky smooth legs’ fault that the planet is dying.
4. If you’re nice to a guy but you don’t want to date him, you’re leading him on.
5. If you’re uninterested in a guy and you don’t want to lead him on, you’re a bitch.
6. If you have guy friends, you’re a slut.
7. And LOL at being friends with guys who have girlfriends.
8. Every month there is a consistent fear that you’re pregnant.
9. It doesn’t even matter if you’re on the pill, you use condoms, you practice the ol’ pull and pray, or you haven’t had sex in two years. You’re still sure you’re pregnant every month.
10. So, naturally, you google “early signs of pregnancy” and YOU HAVE EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM.
11. Because life fucking sucks.
12. But then, when you’ve accepted motherhood, you realize you aren’t pregnant, thanks to the blood that decided to make an appearance at the worst possible moment. Like when you’re about to hook up. Or when you’re wearing a cute white dress. Or when you’re buying baby clothes online.
13. Then you get to bleed from your vagina for a week straight.
14. And if you ARE pregnant, then you get to push a human person out of your body. You have two really awesome options: bleed or baby.
15. THANKS SO MUCH, UTERUS. YOU’RE THE BEST.
16. You literally have to paint your face before leaving the house.
17. And if you decide to do the natural beauty look, someone always asks you if you’re okay because it looks like you have a rare, ugly-inducing illness.
18. No matter how good of a driver you are, you’re always referred to as a “female driver.”
19. Boys you like have access to Snapchat and Tinder, and that really sucks.
20. You get emotional over grocery store commercials.
21. And car commercials.
22. And videos of veterans returning home. And puppies.
23. Basically, you can cry over anything that’s on television, and boys just don’t get it.
24. First, you were supposed to be skinny. Then, you were supposed to be fit. And now, you’re supposed to have Kim’s internet-breaking ass. Make up your mind, society.
25. The one time you leave the house braless and in sweats, you bump into the guy you’ve been drooling over for two years.
26. With his girlfriend.
27. Mermaid hair isn’t a thing that happens for you no matter how much biotin you choke down.
28. Painting your nails is the equivalent of chopping your hand off for, like, three hours, because you literally can’t do anything.
29. And the moment you try to pee, all of your hard works becomes smudged and you wonder why you can’t have nice things. Ever.
30. You either get married too young or you wind up #foreveralone, because love is a battlefield.
31. You’re supposed to wear heels, even though they fucking hurt. And are expensive. And fucking hurt.
32. Do you text him first? Should he text you first? Do you say “hi” or “hey”? Did he read it? Is he ignoring you? Fuck.
33. A boy thinks buying you a drink means you’ll go back to his place and let him do butt stuff.
34. Even though butt stuff would require way more than a warm $3 beer and listening to his story about how he beat a level in “Call of Duty: Halo Zombie Football” or whatever.
35. Ex-girlfriends don’t get sent away to some miserable island after your boyfriend dumps them, so you have to all learn to coexist.
36. This is actually impossible.
37. Kate Upton exists in the human form. And you have to deal with the fact that you aren’t her every single day.
38. You’re supposed to be magically good at all types of drinking games.
39. You can’t, in fact, get a single ball in a cup during beer pong. And you have to blame it on being drunk when really, you just suck at beer pong.
40. You tell your friends you want to stay in and they bitch at you.
41. So you go out, and the whole time, all your friends do is bitch at you.
42. And all you really want is to be left alone with Netflix and a discount jug of wine, but life literally hates you.
43. You have to be a Charlotte in the streets and a Samantha between the sheets.
44. You drank too much and became “that girl” ONE TIME and now everyone acts like you can’t handle your alcohol.
45. If you like “girly” drinks because they’re, you know, delicious, you get made fun of.
46. It’s like, sorry I prefer my poison water to taste good.
47. You don’t have long, beautiful, blonde hair? Guess you’re a failure at being female.
48. Cramps prove hell is real.
49. You can’t decide if you love or hate Taylor Swift, and it’s honestly exhausting.
50. If you order a salad because you enjoy salads, everyone gets mad at you for being a bitch and eating healthy.
51. Contouring isn’t a thing that actually works on your face.
52. The last time you tried it, a little boy took one look at you and started crying, so, like, cool.
53. You wash your hair just to blow dry it straight and then curl it and make it dirty with hairspray. And that’s life.
54. Searching for a well-hung guy with a 401(k), a love of romantic comedies, and a black card with your name on it is a never-ending struggle.
55. You have a resting bitch face and it just causes all sorts of “why don’t you ever smile” problems.
56. You always think bangs will be a good idea, but as soon as you get home from the hairdresser, you realize you made a horrible mistake.
57. And most of all, calorie-free queso doesn’t exist yet. And that’s just really, really upsetting.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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