57 Thoughts Every Girl Has When She Gets A Wedding Invitation


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Nice Move


  1. Oh my God, is she getting married?
  2. When the fuck did that happen?
  3. Oh right, it was on Facebook.
  4. She got engaged on Christmas.
  5. What a loser, we all know a Christmas engagement just means your boyfriend couldn’t think of a good gift to give you.
  6. That ring was tiny, too.
  7. I guess that’s what happens when you get engaged to your college boyfriend, four months away from graduation.
  8. I wonder if she’ll ask me to be a bridesmaid.
  9. Oh, wait, I totally threw up in her car sophomore year.
  10. At least once a week.
  11. I definitely ruined the leather.
  12. Oh, well, not my problem.
  13. Maybe her new husband can pay for those seats to be cleaned.
  14. Oh, the theme is country chic?
  15. How quaint.
  16. And it’s at his uncle’s farm?
  17. Adorable.
  18. I bet she’s pinned, like, a thousand things to craft on Pinterest.
  19. I should check her Wedding Board.
  20. Oh yeah, this “country chic” theme is not what she wanted.
  21. Wow, she’s pinned a lot of really beautiful dresses.
  22. Maybe she should let those dreams die.
  23. After all, a backless ballgown with a sweetheart neckline and seven foot train might be a little much for the farm, don’t you think?
  24. She wants a seven-tier wedding cake?
  25. Not on the budget they’re working with.
  26. Why would she marry someone who didn’t even have a job yet?
  27. Why would she get married before she even has a job?
  28. Why would you even get married now?
  29. If I had a boyfriend and he asked to marry me, I’d say no.
  30. Unless he was like, Channing Tatum.
  31. Or a Kennedy.
  32. Or just super wealthy.
  33. But those are extenuating circumstances!
  34. I would not marry a run-of-the-mill frat bro.
  35. I just want to fuck them.
  36. Oh shit, am I gonna have to bring a date to this?
  37. Holy shit, is everyone bringing dates?
  38. Fuck me.
  39. Is this like a date party?
  40. I once asked a guy to formal by writing on my tits.
  41. But this a little bit classier than formal.
  42. I mean, it’s in a barn, so not that much classier.
  43. But still.
  44. How bad would it be if I didn’t bring a date?
  45. Weddings are great places to meet someone.
  46. Except I think all the single guys invited are either going to be his fraternity brothers. Or like, their weird cousins.
  47. And I do not want to marry into this country-chic-cowboy-boots-to-a-wedding-wearing family.
  48. Plus, I’ve slept with most his brothers.
  49. Oh my God, did I sleep with the groom?
  50. No.
  51. Wait.
  52. No, I didn’t.
  53. We did make out once freshman year though.
  54. I wonder if she knows that.
  55. I wonder if inviting me is actually just a huge ploy to remind me that I’m single and even the gross guys I made out with when I was freshman have found love?
  56. Oh my God.
  57. Whatever, an open bar is an open bar.

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Everything you want in a sister, sorority or biological - funny, hardworking, pretty but not in an super obvious way. Essentially, a funnier Elle Woods who is constantly having a bad hair day. Questions, concerns, videos of dogs and coupons for Thai food can be sent to totalsistermove@gmail.com

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