It’s the weekend. Or it feels like the weekend, You’re
drunk off your ass feeling good and downing those vodka-sodas like they’re water. You don’t know when exactly it happened, but at some point you crossed over from a little tipsy to emotionally wasted, and you’re looking for a relationship to wreak. You turn to your hookup buddy/sort-of-boyfriend/full-fledged boyfriend and open your mouth to say something. But what?! This is the point in the night where most girls give up on using their words and resort to sobbing in the corner and drunk texting that one guy they had a crush on in high school but never actually spoke to IRL.
But not you. You’re better than that. You’re alive, and drunk, and you want to have a short conversation that can completely ruin your life. These topics are sure to cause a public cry at the bar, an awkward middle-of-the-dance-floor argument, and a very painful morning.
The “Where Is This Going” Talk
Now, in this public place, around all of these people is the perfect time to ask about your relationship status. Bring up points such as: you’ve hooked up exactly forty-seven times, that you’ve loved him since the first time you stalked him on social media, and that you want to have his babies ASAP. Now is also the time to ask why he always likes “that slutty bitch’s” pictures on Instagram and who “Alex” is and why she keeps popping up on his phone.
The “My Ex-Boyfriend ______” Talk
This can go one of two ways. You can either talk about how much you hate him or talk about how much you miss him. Both are perfect methods to being “that girl.” Compare your current guy’s penis size to your ex’s and talk about how great/awful he was in bed. Did he give you a promise ring? A lavaliere? Herpes? Be sure to whip out a pic to show your boy du jour. Whatever route you choose, just make sure to emphasize how much you love/hate/miss/want to fuck/kill your old flame. It makes your current man realize what a catch you are!
The “Are We Getting Married” Talk
This is best for a long term (or at least FBO) boyfriend, but hey, don’t limit yourself! If you feel it, say it. Ask him why he hasn’t popped the question, if he’s going to pop the question, and why the fuck he’s wasting your time if he’s not going to commit. Be sure to drop the names of all of your engaged friends, and if you really want to cause damage, give him a deadline to propose. Sure, you might not stick to it, but it’ll show him that you mean business and are certifiably insane. AKA wife material.
The “Which Of My Friends Do You Want To Bang” Talk
This is the perfect trap for when you want to cause some ready-made drama. No matter who he says, you’ll instantly make him regret his decision. Start crying and accusing him of wanting to cheat. Ask him why he picked her. Because she’s prettier? Skinnier? Has bigger tits? What. is. it. Immediately send said friend a casual “fukkk yoi you bitchh” text. This is the perfect conversation to screw up not one, but two, perfectly healthy relationships beyond repair.
The “Your Ex-Girlfriend _____” Talk
This is similar to the “Ex-Boyfriend” talk, but potentially more damaging. Ask him probing questions about his most threatening ex, and insist that he’s still in love with her. Check to see if they’re still Facebook friends, and while you’re at it, add her on there as well. While you’re busy removing his balls from his body, ask him if he think she’s prettier than you and send her a “staythe fukk away from my boyfrnd” DM. Everyone will think it’s super cute in the morning.
The “My Dog Died Three Years Ago And I’m Sad” Talk
When all else fails, you can always bring up the pain of losing your childhood pet. Nothing is sure to make you ugly cry in public quite like the memory of ol’ Fido’s (does anyone actually name their dog that?) paw going limp in your hand. The night of your senior prom. When you were planning to lose your virginity to your asshole prom date. This one is sure to make you, your guy, the entire bar, and your dead dog all feel uncomfortable.
Ladies, go forth and embarrass. Embarrass for the vodka and embarrass for the gin. Embarrass your sober self and say whatever is going on in your drunk mind. Besides, if you don’t remember saying it, it didn’t happen. Sort of. Happy damage controlling..