My first day of kindergarten went like this:
Mom: Have a great first day at school, honey! Make some friends and don’t bite the teachers!
Dad: And remember sweetie, don’t judge a book by its cover.
Me: *stares blankly* Why not? Who picks books that aren’t pretty?
And so began my journey as a child prodigy. JK. Kind of.
Judging people is fun. And when it comes to guys? Even better. Whether it’s screenshotting their Tinder bio, sharing a dick pic over brunch or cringing over a flaccid attempt at dirty talk the night before, judging guys is practically an Olympic sport, a global phenomenon held 24/7, 365. And what’s easier to judge than something he has absolutely no control over? Here are the least attractive guy names, ranked by fuckability (or lack thereof).
God bless Kris and her superhero ability to scream out his name in bed for 20 years, but there’s a reason why homegirl did the ‘ol switcheroo. Maybe it was the whiny yet summoning way she called out his name or maybe he realized most people associate “Bruce” with an overweight power plant worker who gives more action to his La-Z-boy than his wife. Either way, Caitlyn FTW.
- Misplaced Y’s (Jayden/Kayden/Ayden/Brayden)
If you have a “y” in the middle of your name or someplace other than the end, I’m just going to go ahead and assume you hail from an unplanned teen pregnancy in a state whose obesity ranking is one of the highest in the nation. I don’t care about your half Irish heritage or the “y” ancestor you want to pay homage to, we all know your Mom spent a half hour on a baby names website, picked the first thing she liked and continued looking for prom dresses online.
If your Mom gave you a girl name despite you coming out with boy parts, she 100 percent certifiably hates you. You’re probably an accountant at some forgotten company in some forgotten city living an average man’s life (despite being mistakenly recognized as a female on every government document).
When was the last time someone with the name Larry punched your ticket to fucksville? Oh, that’s right – never. That’s because everyone with the name Larry is more comparable to a string bean than an actual human and has the voice of a congested Jewish Grandma with a deviated septum.
- Dusty (Dustin)
Dusty makes me think of rusty, and rusty is something I never want near my vagina. Dusty was that pudgy second grader who kind of smelled and sat in corners a lot. Twenty years later he grew up to be a scrawny-looking redneck who hasn’t taken off his baseball cap in four years and continues to live life without a dental plan.
If a man is interested in having sex at all during his lifetime, Bob is single-handedly the worst name he can have. Once I find out a guys name is Bob (like straight up Bob, not Bobby, Robby, etc.) his fuckability rating goes negative faster than Taylor Swift’s credibility following the Kanye call leak. Sorry in advance that you’ll probably be fucking apple pies until your late twenties, but so is life for the poor unfortunate souls..
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