- You don’t have to be anyone’s ho ho ho.
- And on the flip side, you can be anyone’s ho ho ho.
- Feel like having a no-pants high school reunion with your ex? You can totally do that.
- And you can do that with more than one high school ex.
- Or that Polish kid from your 10th grade science class who you always had a crush on.
- Or your 10th grade science class teacher. No shame.
- You get out of buying some guy a present, which is a gift in itself.
- Because seriously? There’s nothing to get them. If he gets a shirt, you’re lame.
- If he gets a watch? You’re predictable.
- And if you get him anything better than what his mom gets him, she’ll be weirdly jealous of you.
- You don’t have to stress about what he’s going to get you.
- Plus, you get out of pretending that you really love the uh…flower pot he got you.
- Because yes, you really wanted a flower pot.
- Even though you have literally never once indicated that you wanted anything to do with gardening, and you had sent him your Pinterest board with a ton of perfect gift ideas.
- But no. The flower pot is cool.
- And that whole “what if I spend more than him, what if he spends more than me” hell that is the holidays is now something you don’t have to worry about.
- Boyfriends don’t do cute holiday things with you.
- I don’t care what you see in the movies or on Instagram.
- They do not like watching holiday movies.
- They will not pull you out onto the slow-covered terrace at the holiday party to tell you how much you mean to them.
- They will not sing Christmas songs with you. Because they don’t know the words to Christmas songs. And despite your persisting, they do not want to know the words to Christmas songs.
- If you manage to get a guy to decorate cookies with you, chances are he’ll complain the whole time and drop hints that you should “give him something in return.”
- Because yes. As soon as the holidays come around, visions of blow jobs dance in their heads.
- That’s right. Christmas blow jobs are a thing. But guess what? Not for you. You and your jaw are spared!
- And you don’t have to spend $100 on some Santa lingerie just to “spice things up.”
- And if you do spend $100 on some slutty Santa consume, you can wear it on a college bar crawl.
- Which is much better than the awkward lap dance all of those couples are using the outfits for.
- Literally no relatives will make uncomfortable comments to your boyfriend about making you an “honorable woman.”
- And you don’t have to smile like, “Oh Granny! I don’t even want to get married. I’m fine waiting until my ovaries dry up for him to commit!”
- You won’t get proposed to at Christmas. Promise.
- And you have the absolute right to make fun of anyone who gets a ring instead of a present.
- You also have the right to get wine drunk and sob about it to your mom.
- Speaking of moms, you get to hang out with yours a whole bunch over break.
- And she can reassure you that it’s the boys who have the problem and then take you shopping and buy you lunch.
- You get to gossip with old friends instead of just awkwardly introducing them to yet another guy who might be screwing you over.
- Your parents give you more shit for Christmas if you’re single. That’s just science.
- Sure they’re pity presents. But when you’re the one unwrapping box after box of Tory and Michael, does it even matter?
- Getting fat is 100 percent fine.
- So is eating healthy, because you don’t have a boyfriend who is dragging you to event after event where all there is to consume is beer and stale cookies.
- Even though you’re probably consuming a whole bunch of beer and cookies anyways. But whatever.
- You don’t have to pretend to like the presents his parents gave you.
- Even though you *totally* wanted yet another bottle of cucumber melon body spray.
- No matter how much you try, he won’t wear a matching onesie pajama set with you. He just won’t.
- You get to pretend like you’re a kid again. In your own home. With your own siblings.
- Less small talk with people you have no idea how to make small talk with, like his racist grandpa or his plastered cousin who seems to sort of have the hots for him.
- And good luck having sex at his house, with his mom constantly popping her head in, asking if she can get you kids anything.
- Or his parents insisting you sleep in separate rooms, just pretending like you don’t pretty much live together at college.
- You don’t have to choose between his family and your family.
- So you don’t have to feel bad when you let someone down by not gracing them with your presence.
- And then, when he does inevitably go home, you won’t feel disappointed that he wanted to spent time with his family instead of the family of a girl he’s been banging for eight months.
- And guess what? When he goes home, he’ll pretty much forget you existed.
- Being single means you won’t feel like shit when he doesn’t text you “Merry Christmas” first.
- Even though sure, you wake up at 5 a.m. every Christmas but still. He could have set a fucking alarm or something.
- And yeah, he’s going to be hanging out with his hometown friends. But do you know who else is in his hometown? His ex.
- And who knows? Maybe they’ll bump into each other at the store.
- And accidentally start making out.
- And fall back in love.
- And then you’ll sign onto Facebook and see that he got engaged, even though you didn’t even know you were broken up.
- So yeah. No boyfriend means not having to deal with him potentially seeing his ex and falling back in love with her. Which is honestly what we all want anyways.
- You’ll have zero pressure to put your picture-perfect holiday on all of social media.
- And he won’t pose for all of the photos you dream of anyways so like, what’s even the point?
- In fact, your selfie with a bottle of wine in front of the tree and a “holidays with the bf” caption will do better than all of the other lovey dovey pictures combined.
- You don’t have to check in with anyone, check on anyone, or spend your hard-earned paycheck on anyone besides yourself.
- And despite the commercials, the social media, and the annoying friends shoving their relationship status down your throat on Snapchat, you know the true reason for the season: eating as much as you want, doing whatever you want (and whoever you want), and spending this time with the people, and credit cards, you love..
Nice Move407
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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