69 Thoughts You’ll Have While Watching The Record-Breaking “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

Well, it happened. It came, we saw, and then we came just thinking about it. The sensation that started in 2011 finally made its way to the big screen, and it was really, really, uh, something.

A big, giant, money-making something. That’s right. Unless you’ve been living under a rock that lacks cell reception, you know that the Fifty Shades of Grey film was finally released. After being pushed back four months, it was thrust upon society with record-breaking stamina. In just three days, it generated more than $81.7 million in sales. Yeah, that’s a shit-ton of money for a film about chains, whips, and BDSM. It is the fourth most financially beneficial R-rated release in the history of cinema, and it beat our old V-Day favorite, Valentine’s Day, by $25.4 million.

So, what’s the big deal? A rich guy has kinky sex with an average-looking girl. The end. Well, sort of. Sure, there’s some romance mixed in with some deep psychological shit. Naturally, there’s a ton of nudity and even a glimpse of some male pubes. *Sigh* — every girl’s dream. But really, whether you read the books or not, you’re wondering if it’s worth your time, money, and sexual fantasies. I took it upon myself to see the movie to help you determine if your $10 would be better spent elsewhere (i.e. on booze). Here are sixty-nine (you’re welcome, pervs) thoughts you’ll have while watching Fifty Shades of Twilight. Or, whatever.

Well, this is going to be awkward.
I’m so glad I didn’t bring a boy to this.
I literally feel bad for every single guy who’s here.
Poor, unfortunate bastards. At least they’ll get laid after this.
I should have brought some wine.
Maybe I should buy some? Or, like, popcorn?
No. Fuck. If I get horny, I don’t want to be bloated afterward.
Dammit. Fine. I’ll just drink water like a fucking animal.
Opening with “I Put A Spell On You” makes me feel like a kid watching Hocus Pocus.
Except I’m an adult, and I’m basically watching porn.
This Christian Grey actor isn’t even that hot.
I mean, he’s hot, but not, like, “lose my virginity and my dignity for him” hot.
Maybe if he didn’t shave his beard.
I’d sit on that bearded face all day, every day.
This girl is so much better than that guy who played Bella in Twilight.
Kristen Stewart? Yeah, that guy. It was like watching a piece of plywood act.
THE ELEVATOR. HOLY SHIT, CAN I BE IN THE ELEVATOR? HOLD — HOLD — I’M COMING IN.
At least this Anastasia girl is funny. Good for you, sexually-obsessed virgin.
Her drunk phone call is so on point, I literally can’t even.
“I told him.” Yaaas bitch. Yaaas.
Wait. Wait. WAIT. Did you see the way he bit the toast?!
DID YOU SEE HIM WITH THE TOAST?
I want to be that piece of toast.
Holy fuck. I take everything back. Beard or no beard, he’s a man-god.
Alright, everyone just hold on for a second. No one, and I mean no one orgasms like that her first time. Ana, come on.
Your first time is reserved for bleeding, being self-conscious, and crying into your high school boyfriend’s sheets.
I call shenanigans on that, Miss Steele.
I wonder if her parents watched this.
That would be so horrible. And I thought being Facebook friends with my parents was bad.
Okay, so he took her virginity and now he’s just like, “Sign this paper to become my literal slave or, like, peace, bitch.”
Boys fucking suck.
Actually, to be honest, I kind of wish we had contracts in relationships.
Like, “No cheating. No texting other girls. Give me all of your money.”
Oh. Wait. That’s marriage. LOL, JK.
Thanks for reminding me that I’ll die alone, Christian Grey.
He’s wearing the same tie that he tied her up with to her graduation?
Did he wash it? Do guys even wash ties? That’s actually really disgusting. They sweat all day and then just never wash them?
I mean, granted, we wear the same bra, like, every day, but still.
Oh, cool. And now they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
What’s next? FBO?
This is not how things work, Anastasia.
OOOOKAY. What’s with the bush? Cool girl Kate would never let her bestie walk around with an ’80s-style porn bush between her legs. Totally unrealistic.
Also, the flip phone. He can buy her a new Audi, but she’s still walking around with some “buy one, get one free” cellular device like a fucking plebian?
Even though these actors don’t actually have much chemistry, I’m totally getting some tingles. You know, down below.
Maybe I should have brought a boy to this…
I mean, it kind of feels like I’m just watching porn.
You know, minus the money shots. #blessed
It’s like watching a better, sexier version of Twilight.
When do the stripper-werewolves show up?
Okay, wait. He won’t sleep in the same bed as her?
He comes over, UNINVITED, fucks her, and now he’s just leaving?
Who does that?
Oh. Every college guy in the entire world.
And now he’s going to go hang out with his skanky ex?
“Just friends” my ass. If there was penetration, you CANNOT be pals.
Ugh. Thanks a lot, guys. Look at what you do to us! She’s so sad.
And now he’s spanking her with a belt. Because she’s sad. That makes total sense.
SHE’S CRYING. WHY AREN’T YOU STOPPING?
Wow, shit just got real. Like, scary, intense real.
Wasn’t expecting that at all.
Wait, the elevator? Again? DON’T GET IN THE ELEVATOR.
THAT’S THE END? JUST LIKE THAT?
No. NO. More. I want more.
I literally don’t know what to do with my body.
And they totally cut the bathtub scene! And the Ben Wa balls! This is bullshit.
I paid $10 to try to figure out how those sex balls work.
Whatever, considering how things ended up between Mr. Grey and Miss Steele, I think I’ll stick with my regular bedroom routine.
And by that, I mean going to bed alone with some ice cream and my one true love, Netflix.
Besides, if anyone ever said “laters, baby” to me, I’d immediately swipe left, no matter how many expensive gray ties he owns.

So, is it worth the $81.7 million in hype? Eh. I don’t know. My advice? Wait until it comes out on DVD so you can watch it at home with the two best Fifty Shades companions: wine and a vibrator..

[via Variety]

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