7 Biggest Adversaries For All Spring Breakers Returning Home


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Spring Break

At first, returning from your week of spring break hedonism is amazing. You trade tales of debauchery with your friends, you feel like a queen after receiving extra love from your Insta followers, and most of all, you reunite with your college home. But when the week-long hangover wears off, you’re reminded of the reasons you were excited to vacation to begin with. You have rules, and responsibilities back at school, and both are a real concern. So immediately after the high that comes from showing off your tan, the depression sets in.

1. The Asshole Professor Who Made Midterms After Break
In the backs of our minds, we always knew that there were still a few months left of school waiting for us, but we lived in denial. Most likely there was at least one class that postponed midterms until after spring break, which is an immediate stressor as soon as you’re settled back in town. Did your professor really think you would utilize your time off wisely? Obviously the smart thing to have done would have been to study hard during your time off to earn that A — but that would have made a serious dent in your margarita time. And while it can’t be confirmed, you feel positive that with every cheap beer you shotgunned, you unlearned another chapter of your textbook.

2. The Dress Code
After you have accepted your fate and commit to spending your days in the library or your local Starbucks in an effort to buckled down on the whole “scholastic responsibility” bullshit, you will have a meltdown regarding the idea of dressing appropriately. No, you don’t have an official dress code, but you do have judging eyes, and a moral code that dictates no crop tops in class. Though, a solid week of binge drinking and drunchies, you’re in no hurry to wear a bikini ever again.

3. The Indoors
After hours upon hours of perfecting your tan, and legitimately patting yourself on the back as if you’ve accomplished something by literally laying down outside, you have to return to the great indoors. Slowly, your tan will start to fade — you might even peel — and you fear the bronzed goddess you’ve become will disappear for eternity. You think that outdoor seating is an option at restaurants — but you risk getting a shorts tan, and you worked too damn hard to achieve the perfectly even bronze to allow your legs to be several shades darker than your stomach. And what about class? What about that? Foolishly, you tried to convince yourself that you were a beach babe who didn’t need to pay for a tan, but you retreat back to the tanning booth within a week, dejected.

4. Standards
You tried your best to keep your social media squeaky clean, but there are already a few emails from standards on Day 1. Did they somehow find out about that one guy with the tribal tattoo? Has ANYONE found out about the guy with the tribal tattoo? Can you pretend he was a guy you invented in your head? And is it worth it to pay the fine to keep up the Instagram photo of you bonging a beer atop some dude’s shoulders. (It is.)

5. Your Bank Account
And subsequently, your parents. You may have cried during spring break when the guy at Taco Bell said they ran out of mini churros, but that is nothing compared to the flood of tears you let out now. You purposely deleted your banking app from your phone before leaving, because, for some reason, you assumed not being aware of your financial situation meant you had a never-ending flow of money. Surprise! It didn’t. You over drafted your account, and you can no longer ignore your mom’s phone calls — A) because you need to let her know you’re alive, and B) because you need to prepare for her to kill you. In either case, she is fully convinced you are an alcoholic degenerate who is in no way capable of entering the real world. She’s not wrong, either.

6. Your Conscience
Once you are done bragging to your friends about the amazing time you had, you are forcibly smacked across the face with guilt and feel the immediate need to show humility. Why? Because of the girl who opted out of spring break this year. Why the fuck didn’t that bitch just come. Blah, blah, blah, she was saving money, or she was dieting, or she needed to study, or one of those other really good reasons that you should have taken into consideration as well, but now, this is awkward for everyone. When she sadly says she’s happy you had a great time — you know, without her — you want to die. Of course you would have preferred if she was there, but for a hot second, you forgot she wasn’t. You need to quickly remind yourself that no one cares about your spring break as much as you do, and you gon’ learn today how to suffer in silence as you stalk your own photos and remember how much fun life used to be.

7. Social Media
While stalking yourself, of course, you begin to stalk others. Bad idea. Always. Not only are you reminded of the paradise you left behind, but you suddenly realize that other people had a crazy week too — all other people — like the guy you are currently hooking up with. The truth is, while you were losing your morals on a beach, so was he. Sure you tried to pretend he was hanging out with grandma all weekend on a farm somewhere, with nothing but dick and cows as far as the eye could see, but as it turns out, being in an isolated locale with no access to cell service is not actually the reason he didn’t answer your drunk texts. He was just preoccupied with everything spring break had to offer. Your mind races, overthinking exactly what (and who) he was doing while you were out of sight and out of mind — but if you had to guess, it’s probably one of the nine bikini-clad girls who posted photos of him in her #SB2K16 series. Asshole.

I know this is going to be hard, but you will get through it as our foremothers did before us. We find comfort in our friends, our favorite professors, and the beautiful weather. Post spring break is never going to be an easy time, but at least summer is just a few months away and then this hell can start all over again.

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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