The only thing worse than being home for summer is seeing those people from your past that you totally forgot about. Your life has improved a ton since their vacancy and their existence is just a reminder of what you used to be. You should avoid them at all costs.
1. Your Ex-Best Friend
Senior year you vowed that the distance of college had nothing on your friendship. Boy, what a joke that was. You kept some communication throughout your first year, but now you and this girl are on completely different planets. When you see each other you’ll fake a smile so hard it physically hurts and you’ll make the most generic of small talk. It’s hard to believe you and this bitch used to stay up all night at sleepovers and talk about nothing, now you can’t even hold a three-minute conversation. It’s best to avoid this situation altogether so you don’t have to agonizingly talk about the same things your great aunt would want to talk to you about. Which brings me to the next person…
2. Your Long Lost Relative
Ah, yes. When you see your Great Aunt Martha in the grocery store you’ll wonder how good her vision is and whether or not you can dash to the next aisle without her seeing you. Once she finally catches up with you she’ll ask the same questions you get asked at every holiday: why don’t you have a boyfriend, what are your plans after school, why don’t you have a boyfriend, why don’t you call us much anymore, why don’t you have a boyfriend, etc. Once you bullshit your way through the interrogation, you’ll get a gross kiss on the face and walk away feeling somewhat violated.
3. The Kid Who Had A Crush On You
And he still does. You really have no clue what he sees in you, but for some reason this dude thinks you walk on water. He always greets you with a hug and is only interested in how you are and how your life is going. You, you, you. And he’s sure to compliment you on every single aspect. Honestly, he’s everything you could want in a guy, but you just can’t see him that way. You kindly update him on your joke of a life and place him back in the friendzone you’ve been keeping him in for the past six years.
4. That Kid That You Had A Crush On
His eyes still have the same glow since the first day you saw them. He gives you the casual sup nod and you still stumble over your words trying to talk to him like you’re in freshman year of high school again. But now you’re not really sure if he’s actually as hot as you once thought. I mean, for your hometown, he’s a 10 for sure. But you’ve been exposed to such a new selection of males, you start to second guess yourself. Regardless, you’ll still probably make an attempt to hook up with him this summer. Really, what else is there to do?
5. Your High School Teacher
This person strictly remembers you from your senior superlative “most likely to succeed.” They ask about your grades and research and if you’ve taken over the world yet. How do you let them down easy without making yourself look like a total failure? Eh, you’ve still got time to live up to their expectations. You’d probably have to stop blacking out every weekend, but it’s possible! Actually, no it’s probably not, but definitely talk yourself up like it is.
6. Your High School Ex
Ugh, this guy. You thought when you cut the string before you started college that would be the last time you would have to see his puppy dog eyes. False. It’s no surprise that he’s done nothing with his life so far. He doesn’t verbally say it, but you know that he would take you back in a second. You’re obviously the best thing that ever happened to him. You don’t fall for it. You’ve expanded your horizons so much since then. If only he knew all the guys you could get now. (Okay, exaggerating slightly, but you get it.)
7. Those People That Also Go To Your College
You’ve already had too much of these people. The few interactions you had together at school were plenty. It was enough that they decided to go to ~your~ school, now they’ve followed you back home. But it’s important to maintain a good relationship with these people. You don’t need any stories from your college life making it back to your hometown. Great Aunt Martha doesn’t need to know that you let six guys take a body shot off of you in a row. She would cut you out of the will for sure.
So here’s wishing you the best in public places this summer. Avoid grocery stores during the daytime and only hit up the lesser known bars. If you find yourself in an awkward situation with any of the above characters, don’t be afraid to fake a phone call. We’ve all been there..