Philanthropy is like going to the gym. You don’t really want to do it, but once you do, you feel pretty good about it. But still, it’s not your favorite thing to do, and you’d pick the bar over the gym any day. The events always start too early and end too late, and while you really, truly care about helping every child learn to read, philanthropy is actually the most boring part of being in a sorority. Put down your pitchforks, I’m not a PNM, you don’t have to try and convince me how much you love your philanthropy, I know the truth. Philanthropy is boring, but at the end of the day it’s still one of the best things Panhellenic sororities do. We raise a lot of money for a lot of really great causes, but philanthropy would be a thousand percent better if we had organizations and events like this.
1. Netflix THON
Similar to the Penn State IFC/Panhellenic Dance Marathon, the rules of Netflix THON are that you have to continue watching Netflix for as many hours as your can without stopping or falling asleep. Chapters compete against each other to see who can “Netflix and chill” the longest and the winner gets bragging rights as well as access to their competitors Netflix, Hulu, and HBO accounts for an entire year. Of course you also raise money for charity, but whatever.
2. Service For Sluts
We all have that slutty friend. She’s wild, crazy, but she’s also responsible for every fun night out you’ve ever had. She’s always the one taking one for the team and seducing a guy into buying drinks for your whole friend group, leaving you free to dance and shit talk with your bitches while she’s stuck with Mr. Slimeball. She’ll eventually ditch that guy and make friends with the DJ or guys who have bottle service, at which point she’ll call the whole group over and you’ll be set with drinks and entertainment for the rest of the night. She goes home with a different guy each night and wakes up with a new crazy story to tell every weekend.
These girls deserve some charity thrown their way. They’ve done enough for you, and now it’s time to give back. At Service For Sluts, you’ll earn those precious philanthropy hours making one night stand goodie bags, filling each shoulder bag with items like Plan B, condoms, miniature liquor bottles, a redeemable code for Uber credit so she doesn’t have to do a walk of shame in the morning, a fake doctors note for her to give to her professor when she’s too hungover to go to class, and makeup wipes. These bags will be given out at pregames to any slut in need.
3. The Fuckboy Rescue Foundation
Help! I’ve fallen for a fuckboy I can’t get up!
The Fuckboy Rescue Foundation’s mission is to save girls everywhere from falling for a fuckboy, and in the event that she does fall for him, get her out of that toxic pseudo-relationship as soon as possible. Volunteers for the Fuckboy Rescue Foundation will put their internet stalking skills to work and find proof that he’s fucking around with other girls, even after he told you “I don’t want to make anything official, but I promise I’m only sleeping with you.” Volunteers will also hold interventions with all of the poor fuckboy victim’s best friends (and even some of his) to make her realize that he is complete garbage and she deserves better. They will also be responsible for collecting donations of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, wine, and phone numbers of cute, nice, available guys for the victim to help her get over her fuckboy.
4. Habitat For Horrible People
Think of it as Habitat for Humanity, but on a much larger scale. Volunteers will help build and erect a literal habitat for all the mean, nasty people in their lives. It’s in a place very, very far away and once they’re there, they can’t come back. Ex-boyfriends, teachers who wouldn’t bump up your 89.9 to a 90, your homophobic friends from high school who message you on Facebook trying to get you to be a part of their multi-level marketing scheme, they all go in this habitat and they live together in horrible harmony. You’re now free to go about your life without having these horrible people from your past resurface and fuck shit up ever again.
5. Women’s Shelter For Selfie Help
This women’s shelter is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week to help girls take better selfies. They have the perfect lighting, props, and glam squad to get that perfect picture for the ‘gram or Snapchat. They’ll help you pick the perfect angle and perfect filter that guarantees triple digit likes. Volunteers for this shelter will be your best friends and honestly tell you when you should or shouldn’t post something. They’ll even help you curate the perfect flirty response to your crush when he messages you on Snapchat. Volunteers will donate and collect iPhone’s with non-cracked front cameras, makeup, and push up bras. No selfie sticks will be accepted.
6. Yachts For Tots
This organization strives to provide extravagant, luxurious yachts to Greek members for the purposes of recruitment videos, parties, date events, and and anything else that they might use a yacht for. Some of the proceeds from the renting of this yacht goes to underprivileged children so that they, too, can party on a yacht some day.
(Note: I haven’t really thought about the whole business side of this idea, but Yachts for Tots is just a really cool name.)
2. The National Orgasm Foundation
It has recently come to my attention that there are some women out there who have never had an orgasm, as clearly stated in this official poll I made on Twitter yesterday. BTW, the option “I don’t know” means their answer is no, because you would know. Oh, trust me, you would know.
LADIES. v important question here. Have you ever had an orgasm? Like ever? Not jut including sex.
— Cristina Montemayor (@crismontyy) January 19, 2016
As a feminist (but not, like, one of those feminists who freebleeds or doesn’t shave her legs), I will not stand for this tragedy. The National Orgasm Foundation is dedicated to giving each and every woman who has never had an orgasm that first big O. We’ll provide vibrators, dildos, “hands-on” lectures given by Calvin Klein models, and basically anything else you need to achieve that fantastic finish. Once the NOF helps you with that first time, well, it’s like riding a bike.
Every woman deserves lots and lots of orgasms, and there are grown women out there who have never even had one. We need to stand up for these women, so that they can finally scream out, “YESSSS!!”