If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, the first time you sleep over a guy’s apartment is kind of a big deal. But along with this quasi relationship milestone comes a whole bunch of questions. A million thoughts run through your head, and very few of them have anything to do with sex.
1. How long to do I have to pretend that I’m not staying over?
It’s 1:37am. We’re lying naked in bed. Various sexual acts have occurred. I know I’m staying. He knows I’m staying. Exactly how long do I have to keep up this “I should really head home” charade?
2. Are we sleeping naked or….?
I love sleeping naked…at home, in my own bed. But sleeping naked at a guy’s place scares the shit out of me. Not so much because he’s going to see my body – I mean, he just saw lots of it up close and personal during our trip to Poundtown – but more in a “what if something happens” sense. It’s entirely possible that his drunk ass roommate will set the apartment on fire making a grilled cheese at 3am and I refuse to lose my life because I couldn’t find my dress in the disaster this guy calls a room. So I’m gonna need a shack shirt, buddy.
3. Do I wash my face?
Do I want to wash my face before we go to sleep and let him get his first taste of the unmade-up me? Or do I want to keep the illusion going and instead “surprise” him in the morning with the scary clown face my makeup evolves into overnight? Either way, he’s going to see me in some state of hot mess, so I tend to practice good skincare and go wash my face. After all, my clear skin will be around longer than he probably will be anyway.
4. How long do I have to snuggle?
I need my own space to sleep. So while I am a big fan of the post-coital cuddle, there needs to be an endpoint. This is the time when we each retreat to our own side of the bed and don’t touch again until it’s time for morning sex. But with a new sleepover buddy, the duration of the cuddle sesh always seems to come into question. Too short and he may get insulted. Too long and I may get trapped by a spider-snuggler for the night. I’ve been a victim of both, and I assure you, neither is pleasant.
5. Can I sneak into the bathroom and get back here without waking him up?
I have a routine when I wake up. I immediately get up, pee, and brush my teeth. What happens after that is anyone’s guess, depending on the day. If I have to get going, I shower. If not, I may get back in bed. But no matter what the case, nothing, absolutely nothing, is happening before I do those two things. Including human interaction with the person with whom I shared a bed with last night. Plus before he wakes up, I need to make sure there’s no residual raccoon eye and that my hair doesn’t resemble something birds could live in.
6. We going for round 2?
Morning sex is my absolute favorite. And now that I’ve ensured my breath is fresh, my face is clean and my hair is sexy, I’m ready for a little morning “pick me up.” And yes, by pick me up, I do mean orgasm. But, morning wood aside, how will I know if he wants to bang? LOL, JK. He’a a guy. He wants it.
7. How do I know when it’s time to leave?
So penetration is over. Now comes the really tough part – do I stay or do I go? Does he want to hang out or are we not at the point where we spend time together in the daylight? It’s a tough one to figure out, particularly if he’s not shooing you out the door. I generally lead with: “So, um, yeah, that was fun. I’ve got a lot to do today, so I should probably get going.” Which usually goes one of two ways: “Hey, want to get brunch first?” Or “Great, I’ll talk to you soon.” Even if you don’t get a mimosa out of it, you’ll at least know where you stand..