7 Reasons Why The “Define The Relationship” Talk Majorly Sucks


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One the worst talks you could have with a guy, besides telling him you missed your last period, is the “relationship” talk. The one where you decide to cut the shit and figure out what, if anything, is going on. What are we? What are we doing? Where is this going? The talk I’ve probably had twenty-five times in my head and like five IRL (most times, thank God, blackout drunk so I don’t actually remember them). No matter how many times you’ve done it, it doesn’t get any easier because the truth is, the Define The Relationship talk majorly blows.

1. It’s fucking awkward.
I mean how do you introduce them? “Hey this is my fuck buddy, but we hang out during the day and sometimes grab lunch.” “Yeah this is my friend, who I occasionally bang.” If you’re unsure of where your “relationship” stands, just think of how confused your friends are. My tip, although frowned upon by many, is to take a couple of shots beforehand. Sure, it’s a serious talk, but a lot of people seriously need a drink (or three) before having it.

2. How do you even bring it up?
When’s the best time to ask where this “relationship” is going? While he’s going down on you? After you’ve just had sex? In the car on the way to Taco Bell at 2 a.m.? I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to scare off a guy after we just got down and dirty. But I’m also not about to risk the convo if we didn’t just get down and dirty. It’s not an easy decision.

3. It’s an annoying topic.
Especially when you can’t get a straight answer. The DTR talk is hard enough, but getting confusing answers that dance around the subject is even worse. You like me but you’re not looking for anything serious? You don’t want to see anyone else but you also don’t want to be my boyfriend? You’re scared of commitment but you want to hang out every day? Le sigh.

4. He’s confused, but doesn’t actually care enough to figure it out.
Let’s face it, if you’re unsure of what’s actually going on with your so called relationship, then there isn’t enough there. He is simply there to get what he wants without the strings attached. Don’t hold out hope for the guy who’ll only text you after 1 a.m. while he’s shit-faced doing one last look around the bar to find someone to bring home. Sure he likes you, but if he liked you enough, he would have done something about it, right?

5. There are so many options of what your “relationship title” can be.
Maybe you’re a friends with benefits situation, or just fuck buddies. Maybe you’re testing the waters and eventually going to get to the boyfriend-girlfriend label. The worst part is that every person has their own definition of each title, and unless it’s the one that works for you, it will never be enough.

6. You might end up disappointed.
There’s no guarantee that your “special friend” feels the same way. So when you finally build up the courage to sit him down and talk about what you want, you don’t know where the conversation is going to go, especially if you don’t talk about feelings often. Unless you’ve had a previous chat about it and things were looking good, there’s a chance he may not want the same things from your relationship. And then you’re left with an even more awkward conversation to deal with.

7. If it doesn’t end well, you’re basically screwed (but not in a good way).
Well, now that you’ve opened your big mouth about the situation. You cried, he felt weird, and then he explained that he’s a no-strings-attached kinda guy. Now you’ve lost a fuck-buddy and you feel like you just got dumped. But the worse part? You were never actually tied down in the beginning.

My advice, since I’m pretty much a pro at this point, is to not have the chat at all. Get drunk, do your thing, have sex, and don’t bring it up. If anything, try and lure him in and eventually he’ll bring it up himself. Make him laugh, have a good time, use witchcraft. Whatever it is, if it’s right, he’ll want to be the one to tie you down. Literally and figuratively. At which point you put on the act of being nonchalant and unaware, like you didn’t even consider being official. Call me shady, but when you’re the one changing your status from “single” to “in a relationship,” remember who told you how to do it.

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Can be found chugging vodka sours at the bar or roaming the mall trying to use her already maxed credit card. In her free time she shit talks, stalks random people on Insta, and survives on Starbucks. Sex tips and hate mail can be sent to: psanonymous.tsm@gmail.com

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