The main destination once a group of girls arrive at a bar or a party is the bathroom. They make their way through the crowd, shrieking at the sight of even mere acquaintances, all the while keeping their eyes on the porcelain prize. Their bladders are filled to the brim with the three or four shots they just ripped as their Uber was pulling up. A bathroom filled with drunk girls is a completely different environment than any other time. It must be dealt with diligence. We don’t want any bitch fights breaking out.
1. Compliment Everyone
Whether you know her or not, find something about her that you like. Her shoes, the color of her shirt, her lipstick, anything. Nights out are when girls are most vulnerable and self-conscious. We are trying to impress the girls, seduce the boys, have fun, and get a good Instagram all in a few hours. We need to take it upon ourselves to boost each other’s confidence and help each other through these difficult times. A little compliment from a stranger can go a long way. Maybe she’ll talk to that cute boy she’s been side-eyeing all night and they totally bang. You just got a fellow lady laid. Good for you.
2. Invite The Girl Behind You Into The Stall
If you complimented the girl behind you, you probably struck up a conversation. Don’t be rude and slam a stall door in her face. Invite her in with you to continue the conversation, and friendship, within the confines of a crap-smelling corridor.
3. Promise You’ll Go Fast
Turn to the girls next in line with a face begging forgiveness and promise you will go fast. They were probably thinking you were going to take forever, but now they are reassured that you a respectable, self-aware girl with good morals and empathy for others.
4. Hug Everyone You Know
Greet your friends and fans with open arms, but don’t lose your spot in line. Leave one foot where you were standing and reach across every other girl in line until you make contact with your intended target. Get back in your spot and have a conversation with her as loud as you need to so you can both hear each other over the blaring music, but still staying in your respective spots. Remember: cutters get cut.
5. Talk Shit Only In The Stall
Rachel is being a real C U next Tuesday, and everyone silently agrees, but you can’t talk about it until you are in the stall. They are usually sound-proof, so once it’s locked, unleash the fury.
6. Ask Why The Crying Girl Is Crying
You are the 12th person to ask and she says she’s fine, but let’s be real, she wouldn’t be crying in the bathroom if she didn’t like the attention just a little bit. Some boy hasn’t texted her back, or the girl in front of her in line didn’t notice her eye shadow, so now it’s your turn to try to build her back up. Hand her a paper towel and give her some tough love. She’ll thank you when she wakes up the next morning and nearly dies of embarrassment. No one likes The Crying Girl, but we tolerate her for good karma.
7. Never Let A Friend Go Alone
This might have started as a safety thing, but now it’s just a way of life. If you’re in the bathroom by yourself, do you not have friends? Are you not cool enough to have people to bitch about and then take a picture with? It’s just embarrassing, really.
If you break the rules, then you can’t shit with us..