Every college kid out there who isn’t in a relationship is looking for the next best thing: a steady fuck buddy with no strings attached. The problem is, there’s plenty of room for something to go wrong. After much experience, I can clarify the best rules to follow in an attempt to a perfect friends-with-benefits relationship.
1. No goodbye kiss.
This is rule #1 for a reason. Kisses that don’t immediately lead to sex cause trouble. They have meaning and that’s not what we’re going for here. Stick with a simple “see you later” and maybe even throw in a fist bump, but never ever lock lips goodbye. Trust me.
2. No need to sleep over.
It’s completely understandable that if you’re too wasted to get yourself home that you’re gonna have to crash in the dude’s bed. No worries there. However, if this was just a Tuesday night bang out, get your ass home stat. Cuddling is for couples and that’s exactly what you aren’t. Thank him for his time (and his body) and see yourself out the door.
3. No “dates.”
Sometimes dudes feel obligated to hang out with you in public. Don’t fall for this. It is not their duty to make you feel like you’re more than what you do in bed. You already know you’re awesome in all aspects of life. You don’t need their sympathy lunch dates or study seshes. Keep this relationship strictly in the bedroom where it belongs (with the occasional car backseat, because why not).
4. No unnecessary communication.
If you guys are texting for reasons other than hooking up, you are wrong. There’s absolutely no reason to make any more small talk than necessary. You’re really not trying to get to know this dude and neither does he want to get to know you. Just leave it at that. The only texts you should be sending are 2 a.m. booty calls. End of story.
5. No compliments.
When boys say nice things it can stir up a mess. All it takes is a simple “you look pretty tonight” or “you’re one of my all time favorite kissers” to plant a seed in a girl’s heart. Don’t let him do this to you. The second he thinks it’s okay to compliment your eyes, it’s your duty to shut him down. You’re there for sex and nothing else. If you’re compliment thirsty, post a selfie on FB and let your grandma fill your needs.
6. No endearing terms.
NEVER let him call you babe, sweetie, babygirl, dear, hun, princess, etc. This is strictly for couples and lame ones at that. He can call you your name and that’s it. Hell, he can call you someone else’s name. Who cares? Just no “I had a lot of fun tonight babe” because, ew.
7. No expectations.
It’s always good to define your roles and be on the same page. Problems happen when one of you thinks that this is exclusive or that you’re going to get laid every single night. Don’t freak out if you send a “what are you doing tonight?” text and he doesn’t immediately reply “you.” Neither of your lives revolves around this relationship, it’s just an added perk. You’re not allowed to be jealous when you see him flirting up a hot blonde at the bar. If you’re not capable of that, then this sort of gig definitely isn’t for you.
But even after all of this, a perfect FWB relationship, in fact, does not exist. One of you will fall for the other. One of you will move on to someone else. Or one of you will fuck it up in a different way. But don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. After all, there’s nothing more important to keep your life stress-free than getting laid on the reg..
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