7 Things Guys Need To Stop Doing Immediately


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I used to think men were some complicated, mutant creature so complex and that I would never truly figure them out. As I got more experience with the other gender, I learned that all their actions were dictated by either their penis or their stomach. They are more predictable and easy to understand than I could ever imagine. Even though it may be easy to tell what their next move is, it doesn’t make it any less dumb. This is just a small list of dumb things guys need to stop doing.

1. Sending Dick Pics

Guys literally all think they were gifted with a dick carved from the gods. Ok, all penises were not created equally, and some may be prettier, and larger than others. But still, I’ve never seen a dick that’s really gotten me going. Do guys think that girls sit in their beds waiting to be gifted with a beautiful image of veiny genitalia? Deduct even more points if it’s wearing a hood. Hate to break it to you boys, but if you send us an unsolicited picture of you ding-dong it will be shown to our friends as we have a good chuckle. Please wait patiently wait for an invitation to press send or keep the image to yourself.

2. Calling Other Girls (Especially Our Friends) Hot

Sexual attraction is an innate part of being human. We are meant to reproduce. It’s normal for us to want to reproduce with a variety of people that we deem appropriate, even if we’re a monogamous species. With all that being said, that does not mean I want you to disclose just how much you would want to bang Chloe from your Econ lecture. Seriously I’m not mad that you want to, I’m mad that you thought that was something you think was something I should be informed of. Also, if my friends is a straight dime, I am very much aware. You do not need to make a point to communicate it to me. And yes, a threesome is out of the question.

3. Using Ugly Facebook Pictures

“Show me a picture of him,” are the most dreaded words that can come out a girls’ friends mouth, due to the fact that guys chose literally the worst photos of themselves for Facebook. How are we supposed to brag about you to our friends if you chose a photo from two years ago where you were still rocking the Bieber-do as your profile pic? I can’t decide if guys genuinely don’t care if they look like ogres on their profile pictures or if they are seriously that clueless as to what constitutes as a good profile picture. Either way, change it to something decent, please, I’m begging you.

4. Asking For Nudes

Nothing ruins the mood of a good back and forth text convo like dropping the “send a pic” bomb. Like anything, there’s a right time and place for a good ol’ fashioned sext. Sexting in a relationship or someone you’re comfortable with is feels like naughty fun. Getting begged to send a picture of your boobs by the kid you made out with once at a frat party is just cringeworthy and awkward.

5. Adjusting Their Ballsacks

There are certain things that are frowned upon doing in public. Touching your smelly private parts is one of them. Sorry, but that’s how society works. there are certain things that are unacceptable to around other people. I don’t want to have to witness you adjust your nutsack as I am innocently trying to take notes in my psychics lecture. I get it, I’m a female, what do I know about balls? I sure as hell know that your balls are not going anywhere. Sure, they might be uncomfortable, but I promise you they will not roll away from you. Stop scratching them.

6. Bringing Up Anal

Maybe there is still residual curiosity from the #buttstuff2k15 movement but I’m so damn tired of the fascination with anal. Seriously when did putting a penis in a butt become all the rage? Maybe I’m just a little salty about this issue due to the fact that every guy that has shown interest in me insists on either asking if I’ve experienced the magic that is anal or wants to discuss the possibility of anal in their future. Yes, it’s healthy to talk about your sexual preferences but damn, let us offer first or not offer at all.

7. Texting Back Slowly

I live with my phone glued to my hand and my laptop permanently at my side, so I cannot fathom why it takes some guys so freaking long to respond to texts. I get not everyone is addicted to their devices as I am, so maybe I’m not the person to judge. Yes, there are guys who are great at texting back, and for that, I extend to you a bounty of thanks. I’m talking about the guys who take hours to respond. No one is that busy every day of the week, other than Obama and I’m sure Michelle is very understanding. Now, I truly believe that a girl should never sit by her phone and wait for a guy to text her back, but seriously guys should at least show the consideration of replying in an appropriate time period. The whole “I don’t give a shit” attitude gets real old real quick.

Or just everything really.

On an average day you can find me awkwardly asking to pet dogs, searching through frat houses to find my missing wallet, and sending apology texts to the innocent victims from the evening before. Still navigating my way through undergrad life, and enjoying every drunken and confusing second of it. email me at : drunkandconfused@gmail.com if you have any breaking news/funny stories or if you want to fill me in as to what I did last night...

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