School is finally out and everyone is headed back home for the summer. Although you might have been able to successfully ignore all the girls from your high school for the past ten months, now is the time to mentally prepare for the dreaded moment you will undoubtedly run into every bitch you know in the grocery store wine aisle. It doesn’t matter if you are from California, Nebraska, or Florida, or if you graduated with a class of five hundred or fifteen, I guarantee all of these different types of girls went to your high school.
The Social Media Whore
This girl Instagram’d way too many selfies in high school, but once she graduated and decided not to pursue a higher education, it became clear that this bitch just has way too much time on her hands. Her daily two hundred and eighteen second snapchat stories depict everything she does from the blending of her homemade kale smoothies, to pics documenting her painting her nails, to mirror selfies correlating every outfit change, to mundane selfie videos of her laughing at nothing for ten seconds. This girl shamelessly quadruple Instagram posts daily, she tweets every time she converts oxygen to carbon dioxide, and checks in on Facebook more than your mom and annoying aunt combined. This girl is obsessed with her life of basic nothingness and everyone else has to resist the urge to gag themselves.
This girl was accepted to Princeton, Harvard, and Yale and after careful deliberation with her high school guidance counselor, her parents settled on Harvard. But her success didn’t stop there. She had an internship the summer after her freshman year of college, makes humblebrag posts about her 4.0 GPA on Facebook, and has already been on two study abroad mission trips to Africa. This girl plays (and dominates) in three rec sports, is the treasurer of her top tier sorority, and even though she studies twenty-seven hours a day, the only bags visible are the designer ones she purchases with her own hard earned dollars. This girl is the epitome of “do it all” and manages to do it all well. She’s the kind of girl that you would look up to if she didn’t post about being “blessed” in every social media post (like where the fuck is my 4.0 “blessing”), and if your mom didn’t compare you to her every other second.
Daddy’s Little Princess
This girl more than likely spent one semester at some private school on the other side of the country but dropped out and came home Christmas break of her freshman year because she couldn’t handle the “culture shock” (read: her California King bed didn’t fit in her dorm and her roomate kept stealing her Louis Vuitton shoes). This girl now lives a life comparable to Kylie Jenner’s. She spends her days lounging poolside, and can frequently be spotted shopping. Her dad basically invented the toaster strudel, so the idea of college was basically just another step toward achieving her MRS degree.
The Pregnant Girl
Everyone thought it was weird when she announced that she and her boyfriend of six months got engaged, but two weeks later when they announced that they were pregnant it all made sense. Teen mom and her new financé Mr. Perfect make it look like they are thrilled to be expecting. “It was totally planned and happened after the engagement.” But anyone could see through that. This couple might appear to be doing well via social media but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that behind closed doors their relationship is shit.
The Gone Girl
This girl was basically your best friend in AP Calc your senior year, but only because you two were the only girls in the entire class who didn’t collect amphibians and/or were sexually active. Although it was obvious from day one that your friendship was confined to a classroom, you still expected to occasionally creep on this girl on Facebook, until you couldn’t. Why? Because one day she no longer existed. Rumors circulate, but no matter what the real story was, this chick clearly took notes from Amy Dunne because one day she was there and the next she was totally MIA.
The Girl Who is “So Srat”
This chick was not by any means popular in high school but when she skipped town the day after graduation, she somehow managed to rebrand herself and become queen of the sorostitutes. Don’t get me wrong, I love sorority girls (duh, I am one) but this girl is too “sratty” to function. Every Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter post is all about how much she loves her sisters, she basically founded the cooler connection, and you haven’t spotted her not wearing Lily since she came home for Thanksgiving in 2014. She laughs obnoxiously, claims she only hangs out with top tier frats, and curls her hair to go to the gym. This girl basically transformed from Janis Ian to Regina George leaving us all wanting to stab Caesar.
The Girl Who Went To Rehab
This girl was a party girl in high school, so it wasn’t really a surprise when she went to college and totally fell off her already unstable wagon. She claims she chose her college for its academic reputation. Recently she had to kiss her overpriced partially completed education goodbye when her parents finally clued into those “extra curricular activities,” after she was kicked out of school.
The Girl Who Got Famous
Call me sadistic, but I find it beyond entertaining watching the “high school heroes” flunk out of college and end up working at McDonald’s. Maybe that’s just because I wasn’t exactly popular in high school, but whatever. Before you decide to label me Satan’s accomplice, I will also admit I love seeing the opposite occur. I’m always rooting for the underdog (Chuck Bass will forever be greater than Nate Archibald). That being said, there is no greater joy than channel surfing to see the girl that got bullied make it to the final round of The Voice, the nerdy girl invent a new app and rake in millions, or the socially awkward girl who apparently was secretly hilarious become a comedian. This is the girl who wasn’t prom queen in high school, but will easily give the largest donation to the ten-year reunion just to flaunt her success..
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