8 Things I’ll Do When I Become A Trophy Wife

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Nice Move

Halloween Hair and Makeup - Trophies

I’m not saying that I’m destined for greatness, but, oh wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I have a feeling deep down in my bones that I am supposed to live a lavish lifestyle, and while I pretty much missed the boat on being discovered on the street, I haven’t yet lost my chance at marrying for money. Yeah, I always thought that I would marry someone I was madly in love with, but that was before I had student loans. So while I plan my extravagant wedding to the wallet of my dreams, I’ll start planning my life as a trophy wife.

1. Drop 25 Pounds

I’ll have all of the time in the world to workout, but I’ll probably just get the fat sucked out of me like a real woman. Maybe I’ll even have it implanted in other parts of my body. Who knows? The possibilities are endless when you are rich enough to play God.

2. Buy All Of The Matching Things

Plates, pajama sets, Pomeranians. Everything I own will have at least one identical match. Why buy just one thing when you are rich enough to buy multiples just in case one of them gets dirty? It’s a good investment strategy, really.

3. Finally Watch Grey’s Anatomy

Everyone raves about the show but between class, homework, sorority events, and scrolling through social media, I barely have time for myself, let alone for Meredith and her gang. But with my husband working for most of the day, I’ll need someone to keep me company. I project being able to finish the first 34 seasons just in time for the primiere of the next one. Seriously this show has, like, so many episodes.

4. Walk Around The House Naked 24/7

Will it make the maids uncomfortable? Absolutely. Do I care? Not one bit. All my life I’ve been forced to wear clothing like some sort of sucker, but when I’m hot and rich, I can do whatever I want to, Rita. Stop giving me that judgmental look.

5. Have An All White Living Room

Nothing says luxury like an all white living room. Don’t you dare step foot in it, just gaze as its lush, pristine condition like you are in a museum. It’s a total waste of space and money, but it’s all about the look. Just like me.

6. Become A Regular At The Spa

My skin is going to shine as bright as my big ass engagement ring. I might even get those stone massages just for the fuck of it. There will not be a day where my roots show, and if they do, I’ll have someone come to the house and fix it. I’m not going out looking like a garbage person.

7. Wear Exclusively Heels

Sneakers are for poors. I’ll clip clop my way through Target when I’m doing my errands, if I haven’t sent someone to do it for me.

8. End Hunger

More specifically my hunger. I’m going to be famished from being gorgeous all day that I’ll need all the nutrients I can get. My personal chef will whip me up the healthiest dishes, which I will then take an Instagram picture of, and then nibble half of it before throwing it out and demanding dessert. Mama needs chocolate.

Now all I need is a rich guy to trap…

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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