8 Ways To Trick Him Into Thinking You’re Not Psycho


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Nice Move


I consider my looks and my craziness levels to be about the same on a 10 point scale: a soft 7. Meaning that in generally I stay below the radar, but with some effort, I’ll turn some heads. I’ve gotten called the “cool girl” all my life. But that could not be further from the truth.

When asked how I am so grounded and mentally stable, I joke that with three older brothers, I had the psycho beaten out of me at a young age. However, I swear that even the girl with the least crazy tendencies will still be called crazy for no other reason than she has a vagina and boys are too lazy to actually argue. Instead, I have learned how to manipulate guys into thinking that I’m cool when in reality I’m the same mentally unstable mess that they fear. It’s an honorable skill, I know. And here is how you can do it, too.

1. Get In Good With His Friends

This might seem like a no-brainer, but it is actually very calculated. Some girls make the amateur mistake expecting bribes to work. They don’t. As Queen B (Blair Waldorf) once said, “You can’t make people love you, but you can make them fear you.” So the name of the game is blackmail. Any guy can go buy some brownies, but true loyalty is built on fear of exposure.

2. Surround Yourself With Crazier Girls

And talk down on their behavior constantly. OMG Ashley made her boyfriend erase and block his exes number right in front of her! You would never do that. It’s hard to convince a guy that you are actually chill — it’s easy to prove you’re not as bad as you could be.

3. Suggest A Threesome

Don’t trust that bitch he calls his “best friend”? Of course you don’t. If there was really nothing going on, why would he give her such a cutesy pet name? Sure they’ve known each other since kindergarten, have never hooked up, and she prefers girls to guys, but that doesn’t stop you from being threatened. You’re too smart for that. Besides, since when does a 17-year friendship trump a three-month relationship?? The only way to push her out is to suggest a threesome, actually INSIST on a threesome. Make her uncomfortable. This will result in one of two ways: either she will be into it, giving you PROOF of her *true* intentions, or she will never want to see you (and by default, your boyfriend) again. Win-win.

4. Become His Mother

He loves his mother more than he loves you. In fact, you’re almost certain he has said “I love you” to his mother more than he has to you. That behavior is not acceptable. One way to fix this is to drive a wedge between him and his family. Most likely his in a fraternity. If he is, then he values things like “loyalty” and will not easily turn his back on his family. The next best thing is to just become his mom. Steal her perfume, call him by his full name, etc. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

5. Completely Change Your Personality

Study up on him more than you have for any class. Ever. Let’s face it, locking down a man is far more important than an education anyway. Dig deep to discover what his perfect girl is, then become that girl. Does he love X brand of beer? What a coincidence! You chug that shit like it’s water. He prefers brunettes to blondes? Dye your hair. If you become his dream girl, minor psychotic behavior becomes more acceptable.

6. Pay Someone To Spy On Him

Amateurs would simply catfish him online to get information, but not you. You know that in order to truly develop trust you need face to face contact. Hire a bro to hang out with you and your man, then make sure they become best friends. Your boyfriend will vent about anything and everything, and all the information will be hotlined back to you. This is particularly useful in case your boyfriend every starts to realize how insane you are, you will know immediately and can adjust accordingly. Plus his new best friend can assure him that you’re “totally chill.”

7. Train Him

Like a dog. Reward him when he listens or does something good. ALWAYS carry treats with you. If he compliments you, give him some candy. If he takes you out on a romantic date, allow him one free hour to hang out with his friends. But if he disobeys you in any way, withhold sex. Just don’t make it obvious that you’re connecting the two. Guys catch on quickly when their ejaculation schedule is on the line. Insist you’re not giving it up because you’re mad, you’re just having a bad day. After enough time he will REALLY need to get his balls drained, this will make him do ANYTHING for you out of desperation. And just like that, you’re back on top.

8. Hypnotize Him

Okay, so maybe your manipulation skills aren’t quite up to par. That’s okay! It takes years of practice, and there’s no shame in paying for some professional help. Take him to your nearest hypnotist with some bullshit reason like “she can make you retain information easier.” Pay for it while insisting that you are helping him with his grades because you just want to be nice. After the session (or sessions if he’s hard to crack) you will be left with your perfect Stepford husband.

Or just stop being a fucking psycho. Seriously, it’s not that hard.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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