Columns

83 Thoughts You Have When His Phone Goes Off

Screen Shot 2014-09-05 at 3.03.01 PM

  1. What was that?
  2. Was that my phone?
  3. No. I’m “circles,” not “choo choo.”
  4. Wait. Was that his phone?
  5. Yup.
  6. Did he pick it up?
  7. I want to watch his face when he looks at it, but I don’t want him to see me staring.
  8. Why didn’t he pick it up?
  9. How did he not even realize his phone went off?
  10. Boys are ridiculous.
  11. Well, it’ll go off again in a second to remind him.
  12. There it is, there it is!
  13. Good, he noticed.
  14. Wait.
  15. Why is he smiling at his phone?
  16. Is he going to answer?
  17. Or is it a Snapchat?
  18. I actually hate Snapchat.
  19. Why do slutty girls think they can snap MY boyfriend?
  20. I’M RIGHT HERE.
  21. He wouldn’t be dumb enough to open a skanky snap next to me.
  22. Wait, he’s typing.
  23. He’s typing a lot.
  24. What the hell does he have so much to type about?
  25. It’s a text, not a fucking novel.
  26. He never texts me novels.
  27. What if he’s declaring his love for the skanky Snapchat girl?
  28. Shit.
  29. Maybe if I go over there and refill his drink or something, I can see who he’s texting.
  30. Be cool, be cool.
  31. Just do a casual glance but don’t look like you’re reading–you got this.
  32. “Let me just grab this basically full cup so I can refill it for you, babe.”
  33. Ugh. He put down his phone.
  34. What the hell is he hiding?
  35. No, I don’t want a kiss. I want to know who you’re texting.
  36. Or should I say SEXTING?
  37. Cheating bastard.
  38. If I can somehow time it so that he is occupied and leaves his phone face up right when he gets a text, I’ll be good.
  39. What can I have him do? Shit.
  40. Reach something high! Genius!
  41. Guys love doing shit like that.
  42. Now I just need to wait until he sends a text so the mystery bitch will respond.
  43. HE JUST SENT IT.
  44. Time to whip out my damsel in distress voice.
  45. Ah hemmm.
  46. “Babe, can you reach that can of sauce for me? I’m just far too short, and you’re so strong and manly.”
  47. Why do I need sauce?
  48. Uh…
  49. “Yeah, I’m making you a big, delicious dinner.”
  50. Damn it.
  51. Now I have to cook?
  52. Whatever.
  53. Okay good, good–he’s getting up!
  54. AND LEAVING HIS PHONE. BOYS ARE SO DUMB.
  55. “No, the sauce in the very back…”
  56. And he got a text! Worked like a charm.
  57. Quick check to see if he’s looking…
  58. And we’re good. Coast is clear.
  59. …
  60. Text Message: Mom
  61. It’s his mom?
  62. His fucking mom?
  63. THANKS, MOM. NOW I HAVE TO COOK.
  64. This was all part of his plan, wasn’t it?
  65. Wait. What if he changed a girl’s name to “Mom” in his phone?
  66. No, that’s just weird.
  67. Okay, he’s back.
  68. And smiling at his phone.
  69. He smiles at his phone when his mom texts him?
  70. That’s actually really cute.
  71. I wonder if he smiles when I text him…
  72. What’s my name in his phone, Dad?
  73. I wonder if he has a whole bunch of girlfriends with family member names in his phone.
  74. Gross.
  75. I hope I’d be the fun aunt.
  76. Not that I want to be his aunt…
  77. But if I HAD to be a family member in his phone, I’d want to be the kooky aunt with a cat emoji.
  78. Now his phone is ringing?!
  79. Shit.
  80. I didn’t see who it was.
  81. You let your guard down for a second, decide your fake family member character in his phone, and this shit happens.
  82. No, it’s cool, go in the other room.
  83. IS IT YOUR MOM?

 

Nice Move749
Respond

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More