If I look at a poorly dressed guy, it never crosses my mind to judge him for it. I mean, I’m not pushing girls over to fuck him, but I don’t blame him for not knowing better. If I see said guy with a girlfriend, though, it’s on. HOW could she let him out of the house like that? It’s bad enough that his mother failed him. Because of you, he’s basically doomed. It’s time to take a good hard look at your boyfriend and realize it might be time to step up his fashion game. If he’s guilty of any of the following, he’s embarrassing you both.
1. He doesn’t have a good pair of dark jeans.
Chinos are lovely. They are the perfect garment to make your beer-guzzling, degenerate boyfriend look like someone you can take home to your parents. They’re nice at semi-formal, and country club events, and his first internship. Basically, anywhere you’d wear a sundress, he should be in chinos. You know where chinos look stupid? At the bar. I’m not talking about the posh, postgrad, happy hour bar. I mean a dark, dirty, grungy bar, with a sticky floor, that sells drinks for $2.00. Or even some chic metropolitan bar in the big city you’re visiting, and pretending to live in. These occasions call for jeans. Chinos are nice. Jeans are hot, and if you are wearing some slutty dress, and I know you are, the occasion calls for your man to be wearing a pair of dark jeans. J-brand offers the perfect jeans for men — they’re fashionable, without being douchey.
2. He only wears one, disgusting hat.
I don’t feel one way or another about hats, but guys love them. I don’t know if it’s because they secretly hate washing their hair just as much as we do or not, but hats are like the only accessory guys obsess over. And I do mean obsess, because often they find one, and wear it until it’s so filthy that small creatures are starting to hatch in it. If his hat is starting to fray on the bill, or worse, starting to get that yellow-brown ring around the rim, it’s time for a new hat.
3. His shirts don’t fit him.
Your boyfriend is young, and hot, and fit. Why, then, are his dress shirts and button-downs parachuting out of his pants like like some sort of 1960s nerd? Say it with me people: Slim. Fit. Just like you, your man needs to dress for his body, and he looks sloppy if he doesn’t. His clothes shouldn’t be too big on him — especially not on purpose. Rodd and Gunn offers a traditional long-sleeve in a tailored fit for your boyfriend, because he isn’t 40.
4. He wears his newbies everywhere.
I will begrudgingly admit that for some reason wearing sneakers outside the gym has become popular with America’s youth, and New Balances make your man look ever-so-slightly less ridiculous than other brands. However, they should still be his “I look like shit right now” shoes, not his “I am calling this an outfit” shoes. Your standard boat shoe is a vast improvement to the ole sneaks, but you really can’t get better than a nice loafer or even an Oxford shoe if he’s ready to be a real man.
5. He’s still wearing board shorts.
No. No. No. I can not deal with board shorts any longer. They are the cargo shorts of the aquatic world, and it’s time to make the switch to a nice pair of swim trunks. If you’re slowly transitioning him, you might want to start him off with an eight-inch or nine-inch inseam until he gets comfortable enough to expose his whiter-than-a-baby’s-bottom man thighs to the sun.
6. Flip flops.
If you’re from somewhere up north where it doesn’t get too hot, you should never see a man’s toes, ever, but as it turns out, a Texas summer basically says “fuck your fashion,” and the men let their gross, hairy feet see the light of day. It’s important that, at the very least, the sandals he’s wearing are nice, because you know his feet aren’t. Please throw out any plastic flip flops that cost him under $10. I like a nice leather sandal, but as long as you pick something with a thick strap to cover as much of his disgusting foot as possible, you’ll be okay.
7. He’s wearing golf shirts as polos.
This is one of my ultimate pet peeves. Golf shirts are for the golf course. I understand that they are a necessary staple in every man’s wardrobe, but they are literally designed for sweating on an open field. You can not pass that off as something you wear to Sunday brunch. Buy him a nice new polo, and condition him with sex until he learns the difference.
8. He travels with some douchey backpack.
Not all bags are for women. At some point in his life, he is going to have to grow up, and stop using his Jansport, circa 1999 when he goes places. One time, I had a boyfriend who just carried his shit in a trash bag. This is an emergency. It’s fine if he wants to look like an asshole on spring break, but when he goes someplace with you, he needs to put his shit in something that is neither plastic, nor 15 years old — he needs a real duffle, like a grownup.
9. He doesn’t own a Henley.
Okay, so this one is not so much a fashion faux pas as it is a disservice to girlfriends everywhere. Is this not the cuddliest-looking fucking shirt in existence? I want to snuggle up to the air that’s wearing that shirt right now. It also seems good for stealing — err, borrowing.
Head over to ManOutfitters.com, offering over 50 menswear brands, for all of your boyfriend’s fashion needs. Turn your boyfriend into a Manfriend..