Guys are a lot like alcohol. You start off feeling like you’re in a state of bliss, think it’s so much fun and exciting until one morning you wake up with either a headache or a heartache. You’ll swear off men or booze for good, until a really cute guy or a really fun party comes along and before you know it, you’re in bed with the enemy. These are the types of guys that either have or will make you sick.
Fireball is the guy you met freshman year who you can’t seem to get rid of. You had a few great nights with him as a young and naïve freshman but you soon learned that those nights always ended badly. They’re hot and you feel like you always want more, until you spend too much time with him. Afterwards, you want absolutely nothing to do with him until you’ve detoxed. Every once in awhile you’ll revisit him but as you get older, you start to learn your lesson.
Natty Light is the drunken frat guy you’ve been obsessing over. You see him out at all the frat parties and talk about with to all of your sisters. He’s an easy option and you know you can get him whenever you want because he’s always DTF. He’s also always drunk and totally disgusting, but you seem to overlook that every time you’re with him. Ladies, don’t waste your time or calories on this one. He’s fine for a one night hook up but definitely don’t end up in a relationship with this one.
Foreign beer is your rebellion guy. It’s the guy who doesn’t fit your normal checklist of guys you go for. You figure one spicy night with a foreigner will shake things up and show you what you’re really looking for. If that’s all you see it for then you’re on the right path. If you think you’re going to find anything more with him then you may want to reevaluate your life choices. You’ll probably meet out at the bar while you both are plastered and end up thinking it’s a great idea to end the night with him. Don’t be mistaken, though; this is not the guy you bring home to mom and dad. This is the guy you text your friends about in your group message the next day… well from what you can remember of it at least.
Vodka is the guy you’re playing it safe with. You know he’s not going to hurt you and you probably feel like you have all the power in the relationship. You have a good time with him but he’s so plain and boring. You’re never going to be truly happy with him and you’re always going to feel like there’s more out there. You’d be lying if you weren’t secretly looking at all your other options while you’re with him.
Whisky is the opposite of our Fireball freshman. He’s is the mature older guy you met in class or at the library. He’s probably studying to become a doctor or lawyer and he looks damn good doing it. He has a big boy job and can afford to take you out to nice expensive dinners. His clothes are always on point and you know he’ll always pick up the check when you go out.
Tequila is the guy that’s good in small doses but always ends badly. It’s the guy that you know is no good for you but you always find yourself crawling back to him. He’s fun for a night, but anything more and you know where you’ll end up.
Four Loko is the guy who’s a total ass. He should be banned from our lives just like Four Loko used to be. He’s hot and being with him seems like a good idea at the time. Then you quickly realize why he’s a very bad idea and immediately regret your decision to talk to him in the first place. He thinks he’s hot shit and he’s rude to you and especially to your friends. He’s the type of guy we have a love-hate relationship with because the idea of him sounds great…but that’s about all that’s great about him.
Champagne is the guy you end up dating long term and has the potential to be a keeper. Inevitably something will go wrong in the future, though. Hello, he isn’t “the one,” but hey, a girl can play house for a hot second. He probably knows all of your sisters and you obviously hang out with all of his brothers, especially at events like formals and mixers. He has a bubbly personality and everyone loves him, including you. He’ll probably get your first “I love you” and will most likely meet mom and dad. He’s the type of guy to make you breakfast or bring you to brunch, provided there will be endless mimosas of course. He’s great for the time being but you know deep inside he’s just a placeholder.
Wine, on the other hand, is the guy you bring home to mom and dad for good. He’s the guy who not only makes you breakfast but also stays in to watch The Bachelorette with you at night. He’s the one you’ve waited your entire life for and the one you can start subtly hinting about ring sizes with. He isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, though. Like a fine wine, he only gets better with age. You need time to grow up and mature because I guarantee you won’t be the same person at 22 as you will be at 26 and neither will he. He gets along well with others, you won’t be embarrassed to bring him around your friends, and you’ll actually want to spend your time with him because we all know there’s never a bad time for guys like him…or wine for that matter.
So after a long night of drinking and mixing alcohol, the lines can get a little blurred. We may not know men very well all the time, but we certainly know our alcohol. .
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