1. All A’s Every Semester Without Having To Study
What’s worse than Rebecca Black’s singing? Studying. Yet that’s all you seem to do with your life if you are trying to make semi-acceptable grades. For some students, preserving a 4.0 GPA comes naturally. But most of us have to bust our ass to earn A’s. Santa needs to get his shit together and figure out how to cut us some slack and also throw some A’s on our transcripts.
2. Karma Hitting Your Enemies Hard
The mature thing to do would be to hit the high road when someone does you wrong. But if you just so happened to wake up on Christmas morning and hear that the home wrecker who ruined your three-year relationship suddenly gained 50 pounds, that’s not your fault. Karma’s a bitch. Luckily, you were on the Nice List this year.
3. Ability To Hook Up With Any Fella You Desire Without Worrying About Getting Prego Or STDs
You know that dude you fall in love with at the bar. You really don’t care what his name is, you just want to pull him into the restroom for a quickie? Now imagine a world where you don’t even have to bat your relatively small mascara-smothered eyelashes in order to grab his attention. You just have the power to make even virgins jump into bed with you. In fact, you would even be able to ride Dave Franco and Liam Hemsworth if you really wanted to, which obviously anyone with pupils would want to. But the best part of this gift would be that you would never have to buy a pregnancy test after smashing or ask the doctor what that fire in your pants is all about. There would be some kind of STD-proof shield in your vagina that also manages to prevent unwanted pregnancies. It would truly be a Christmas miracle.
4. Booze That Tastes Orgasmic, But Doesn’t Make You Fat
Those girly drinks that you’ve been dreaming of since your Sunday morning hangover are never anything but sugar. And sugar makes you chunky. It doesn’t take a fucking scientist to know that every alcoholic beverage that makes your taste buds intoxicated with happiness will make you fat if you indulge in too many. Well what if someone presented you with a heavenly, yet healthy, drink that pulverizes your liver along with the confidence to swap spit with strangers with. That’d be a pretty dope gift.
5. Your Hogwarts Letter
Every Potterhead has been waiting on this letter since 1997 when the first Harry Potter book came out, even though we didn’t know it yet. Once you were capable of reading books harder than Junie B. Jones, you eventually threw your imaginations into other books, including the wonderful world of Harry Potter. And from then on you were doomed to a lifetime of a nerdy obsession with wizards. Fuck the struggle of being a muggle. We want (need) Hagrid to bust through our door, tell us “yer a wizard,” and take us to Diagon Alley this Christmas.
6. Unlimited Starbucks
If you are a basic college gal who enjoys blowing your money on coffee, you understand this desire. Gift cards just won’t do it anymore.
7. A MRS degree without the bullshit you have to go through to achieve it
“I’m going to college to get an education,” you may tell people from your hometown who never left the city limits. But in reality, you are hitting the books for so much more. You probably chose a major that is simple enough to graduate and sounds fancy when you announce to the world what you are planning on doing with your life. Why? The grand scheme of things is that deep down a part of you is attending college to meet your ~soulmate.~ You pay big bucks to run into your future beau, as well as earning the title “College Graduate” just to sound intelligent and like an overachiever. But in order to do all of this, you must pay tuition and make amends with your nerdy, jackass teaching assistant. So this Christmas, all you really wish for is to cut right to chase and fall in love with your future rich hubby along with a side college degree, otherwise known as your MRS degree.
8. Candice Swanepoel’s body by eating junk food and not working out
This one is pretty obvious. Sure, some chicks might like working out and clean eating and all that jazz, but you probably still don’t look like this Victoria’s Secret model. What we really want is the ability to lie around, watch Netflix, absorb unholy amounts of food our parents would shun us for, and all while transforming our bods to look like Candice Swanepoel’s. It really would be the most wonderful day of the year.
9. The Ability To Understand Men
If you claim you understand the cognitive thinking of the male brain, you are a liar and I hate you. Why do dudes adjust their balls in public? Why do they make business deals at strip clubs? Why do they prefer beer to margaritas? Why do boys give each other weird, but strangely creative, nicknames? And why do they consider rubbing their boner across your ass dancing? No female will ever be able to relate to these thoughts. But if you can after this Christmas, you will truly know Santa really does exist..