Let us all bow our heads and take a moment of silence for all the good women we have lost to boyfriends. It’s tragic when one of your best friends crosses over to the dark side, but when all of them do, you start to question everything. Are you the one that’s wrong for being single? Is there something wrong with you? Of course not! Being single is amazing and great and fun and super awesome! But if you’re the only one who isn’t taken, it makes it kind of difficult to live your authentic life. Luckily, there are ways for you to stay single and sane.
1. Cover Up Your Sadness With Jokes
Make light-hearted jokes about your hopeless despair and encourage your friends to join in the revel. You’ll be too busy pissing yourself with laughter that you will complete forget the empty hole in your heart. If you’re laughing about it, then you can’t cry about it!
2. Build A Roster
The best thing about being single are the GUYS GUYS GUYS! Every single girl knows what it’s like having to thwart guys off because you are so single and desirable. Keep a running list of names, phone numbers, and Instagram usernames of potential peens that you would want to come in contact with. You will run out of space for all of them and have to make some cuts, but that’s the risk you have to take.
3. Never Stop Talking About Your Roster
What’s the point of being passed from man to man if you don’t get to brag about it? Tell your friends all the ooey gooey details about your latest flavor of the week until they can’t get the mental image of you having sex out of their minds. Leave out the part where you woke up the next morning with the same emptiness in your heart that you have felt every morning. BO-ring.
4. Skip The Therapist, Use Twitter
Instead of taking your darkest inner thoughts to a professional, blast them on the internet for the entertainment of others.
It feels great to get it off of your chest.
5. Keep Your Instagram Game Up
Instagram is basically a billboard for who is single and who isn’t. Post exclusively selfies and pictures and random guys (make sure they are not the same as one your roster, that makes it look like you’re dating). Religiously check who liked it to see which guys are into you. If they like your picture, they want you bad. It’s a fact.
6. Get A New Tattoo Or Piercing
Nothing says free spirit like getting inked or pierced up. Show off your independence to all your friends in the form of a rib tattoo of a quote you found on Pinterest. Post a picture on Instagram with your side boob. Can someone say H-O-T hot?
7. Make Third Wheeling Impossible
If you alienate your friends’ boyfriends, then they’ll never want to hang out with you, which will force your friends to pick one or the other. According to Girl Code, ovaries before brovaries. Soon, she will be hanging out with you so much, that her boyfriend will just become a figment of her imagination. It’s foolproof.
8. Always Be The Drunkest Friend
Being the only single friend means you are the most fun, which means you party like an absolute rockstar. Pound Jäger bombs at Happy Hour to assert your dominance and slip into a beautiful blackout by 9 PM. Everyone will love being around you and definitely won’t get mad that they have to carry you home every night.
9. Never Let Them See You Cry
Never, under any circumstances, let them know that you are upset that you are the only single friend. You are a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. But I guess having one would be nice. On second thought, nah..
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