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91 Thoughts You Have While Drunk Texting Him

Drunk texting

  1. GIRLZZZ NIGHT GIRLZZZZ NIGHT!
  2. God, I love going to the bar, just us girls. No drama. No craziness. Just love and brutal, brutal gossip.
  3. See? We don’t need guys. We’re hot. We’re wild. And we’re totally going to have fun, without boys.
  4. Who needs them? Not us.
  5. And bonus, I didn’t even have to shave tonight! Mwahah!
  6. Vodka soda. Get. In. My. Mouth.
  7. Alright, now to do a scan of the bar to see who’s here.
  8. Hot guy, hot guy from class, standards chair, fun but slightly alcoholic sister, hot guy, girl I hate who dated the guy I’m talking to.
  9. Fuck. Why is she here?
  10. “Shots? Can we do shots?” They’re urgent.
  11. She doesn’t think he’s here, does he? Is that why she’s here?
  12. Wait. Is he here?
  13. No. There’s no way. I would know, right?
  14. “Yeah, actually one more shot. Yeah, Fireball is fine.”
  15. Ugh. I hate her dress.
  16. Okay, that’s a lie. I love her dress. I hate her.
  17. Maybe I should text him? Just to be like, “I’m out. Are you?”
  18. No, no, that seems desperate. Fuck.
  19. No. Wait. How is that desperate?! We make ~love~. I can totally text him if I want to.
  20. text
  21. Ugh. Whatever. I’m not going to let her ruin my night.
  22. “CAN I HAVE A SANGRIA PLEASE?”
  23. I’m just going to go on the floor and dance with my girls.
  24. Will I throw out some of my best dance team moves in an effort to intimidate this bitch? Yes. But it’s because I want to not because of some guy.
  25. “THIS IS MY FUCKING SONG!”
  26. *hip shake* *hand in the air* *fist pumping* *hip shake* *robot?*
  27. Yeah. I see you see me body rolling all up in here girl.
  28. YOUR EX LOVES THAT OKAY?!
  29. I should Snapchat this. No. I need to Snapchat this.
  30. Sure, it’ll send it to him but like, it’s casual.
  31. How did I finish my drink already?
  32. Yes somewhat cute guy who I’m obviously using for alcohol, I would like a drink.
  33. Would it be bad if I took a selfie of us and added it to my story? Whoops. Too late.
  34. I wonder…has he even checked my Snapchats?
  35. I’ll just peek, real quick!
  36. HE OPENED THEM.
  37. He opened them but he didn’t text me back? What the actual fuck is that?
  38. I’m texting him again. I’m doing it. I don’t even care.
  39. text
  40. Why is this bathroom line forty-five years long?
  41. text
  42. Omg. omg. omg. She’s in front of me. The girl I hate is in front of me.
  43. What do I say what do I say?
  44. *side eye side eye side eye*
  45. I need to text him. What if she still loves him? I bet she still loves him.
  46. text
  47. SHE LOOKED AT ME. SHE KNOWS WHO I AM.
  48. Wait. Was that a smile? Did she smile at me?
  49. “Oh my God no shut up I love YOUR dress.”
  50. Is she nice? I think she’s nice.
  51. *tears up*
  52. I can’t believe I’m such a bitch.
  53. “Noooooo I totally hated youuuu. Can we just be best friends??”
  54. text
  55. I love her. I officially love my kind-of-sort-of-boyfriend’s ex.
  56. I would totally date her.
  57. text
  58. How long was I in the bathroom? What year is this?
  59. “Yes bar master. I would like a glass of alcohol.”
  60. text
  61. This table seems to be missing something. Me dancing on top of it.
  62. Regret these shoes. Regret these shoes.
  63. Oh shit. I’m high up. I’m really high up.
  64. Everything seems kind of…wavy from up here.
  65. *Don’t get nauseous. Don’t get nauseous*
  66. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just need some tequila.”
  67. text
  68. I wonder if he misses me too?
  69. I wonder if he loves me?
  70. I wonder if *sob* anyone loves me?
  71. text
  72. *Ugly public crying*
  73. text
  74. Thank you ex-girlfriend of the guy I want to date. I love you tooo.
  75. “He is a dick sometimes isn’t he? “
  76. “But like, no. You’re beautiful.”
  77. text
  78. This shot tastes like water.
  79. “ALCOHOL IS NOWWW WATER.” Makes sense, right?
  80. Everyone loves me. HE loves me.
  81. Where did my friends go???
  82. “Staceeyyyyy?”
  83. I think we’ll have cute kids.
  84. Now to just make them.
  85. text
  86. WHERE IS HEEEEEEE GOD.
  87. text
  88. Fuck heels. Barefoot is my life now.
  89. I just want his penis and his hand in marriage. Is that too much to ask??
  90. text
  91. VICTORY. Fuck. I should have shaved.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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