A Breakdown Of This Week’s Bachelorette Based Solely On #TheBachelorette Tweets


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Nice Move


I do not watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I have tried so many times to get into it, but I literally can not force myself to sit through an episode. But honestly? You people are so ruthless, that even though I don’t watch, I feel like I still have a basic understanding of what’s going on. So I’m going to break down this week’s episode of The Bachelorette based exclusively on Bachelorette Twitter.

JoJo is queen according to one and all, and I’ll give it you, she’s a cute girl who looked fire this episode. Special shoutout to her white on white outfit. I can dig it.

But it’s become very clear that she’s not over her “ex-boyfriend” Ben, who I’m assuming is last season’s Bachelor. She made shit really weird multiple times bringing him up, and saying she wanted a love like his and Lauren’s — and I’m assuming Lauren is the girl Ben chose over JoJo.

Listen, I get it. You actually fell for the guy, and a few months clearly wasn’t enough time to get over him, and perhaps thrusting you into a room of twenty-something guys isn’t the best thing for your heart, but you need to give it a rest, girl. It’s fucking weird. There’s always a contest with an ex, and acting like his relationship with some other girl is “perfect,” when he started that relationship out also being in love with you is strange. ~Never let them see you cry.~

Anyway, she’s got a few new contenders, one of whom is short, but hot (Alex), one of whom looks like Jim Halpert (Derek), and one of whom is related to a famous person (Jordan). Other favorites include Wes, Luke, and James Taylor (Jordan’s show BFF).

Awesome. Fun. Now, when I say I don’t watch the show, I really mean I don’t. So I’m not sure exactly how it plays out, but what I’ve learned is that JoJo goes on a large group date with like all of the guys? Half of the guys? Just a shit ton of the guys. And they put on fireman’s uniforms and play around on a firetruck or in a firestation.

Honestly, I can’t imagine something so emasculating as watching my potential suitor have to take instruction from a more manly man like a professional firefighter. I’m only assuming based on this tweet and this tweet alone that Wes completely pussed out in the face of danger.

That’s hot. Pun intended.

But JoJo is not me, and she clearly had a lot of fun, so she just made out with literally everyone, as one does when there are a million guys trying to date you.

I really thought for a moment that one guy had erectile dysfunction.

But as it turns out he just works with erectile dysfunction. Much better.

In a world where a bunch of dudes are completely phony ass-kissers taking you on dates and writing you songs and/or letters (because they’re told to)…

There’s one guy who keeps it real, and he’s been heavily vilified. Everyone hates him, and I am 100% positive that he’s my favorite character on the show, as he provides some serious comic relief.

And why, does it seem that everyone hates him? Well, he’s kind of a dude-bro who eats a lot of meat and likes protein. And he’s an asshole to the other guys in the house and just makes fun of them and thinks he’s better than they are, which I fully support, because why would you make friends with someone who’s trying to fuck your potential girlfriend? Plus, any guy on this show is probably a pussy anyway.

Oh, and he called JoJo naggy. But it seemed to me like it was in a funny way, and everyone needs to calm TF down.

And he puts it best himself. Girls don’t like nice guys in real life. Not The Bachelorette level nice. No way.

And it worked out for him in the end. Be it JoJo or the producers’ decision, I think we’re going to see more of Chad.

So how’d I do?

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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