Well, you guys, it was another busy week on The Bachelorette, I presume, based exclusively on your tweets. I don’t watch the show, but once again, I honestly believe I know absolutely everything that went down because of everything I saw on Twitter. I’ll give you a rundown.
Chase And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Yoga Date
I know there is a link in the following tweets, but I swear I didn’t click it. I just saw the title, and I figured that counts. It is very clear to see that Chase, for some fucking reason, took JoJo on a date this actually my living nightmare: working out. They did some yoga together, and guess what: it was awkward! Because working out with someone you’re trying to impress is awkward. Also, because the instructor said the word “angergasm.” Despite their date being painful to watch, Chase still ended up doing pretty well with JoJo, and with all of you.
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) June 7, 2016
Chase is doing well …. For an awkward date #TheBachelorette
— Bachelorettejojo (@bachlorettejojo) June 7, 2016
— Meredith (@MeredithLikesIt) June 7, 2016
— Marianne Torres (@mpt221) June 7, 2016
Jojo + Chase 4ever❤️ #TheBachelorette
— Erin Meany (@erin_meany8) June 7, 2016
James Taylor Is A Character From A Nicholas Sparks Novel
James Taylor is Twitter’s sweetheart right now, but I’m going to be very honest with you when I say that he makes me want to gag. It’s too much. He took JoJo dancing, which was nice, but then turned it into some type of competition or routine with old people? Or maybe there were just old people around because this entire date was straight out of the 1950s. Especially with the cheesy fake newspaper ad that JT created to let the world know he had a one-on-one date with JoJo. He also played her a song…again(?) and you all fell for it. But just because I am uncomfortable with gestures that seem like they exist solely to make it seem like you’re in a romance movie (or a faux romance reality television show…because they are), doesn’t mean JoJo was phased.
— Whipclip (@whipclip) June 7, 2016
— anna wonderlich (@annawonderlich) June 7, 2016
— HOLLYWOOD JUNKET (@HollywoodJunket) June 7, 2016
If JoJo doesn't want James Taylor I will be glad to take him off her hands! Hey James… ❤️ You can sing to me all day! #TheBachelorette
— Monique (@mdondero88) June 7, 2016
I want someone to play guitar and sing for me like James Taylor #TheBachelorette
— Sam (@imhappyimsam) June 7, 2016
"I'm so lucky that I get to debut my song on national television tonight– I mean sing this song to you" – James Taylor #TheBachelorette
— Gabi Conti (@ItsGabiConti) June 7, 2016
Everybody Worked Out
It was really hard for me to figure out whether or not there was a trial by combat style race to JoJo’s heart, where they all competed for her physically, or they all just worked out because Chad was working out, and they didn’t want to be outdone. I’m going with the latter, though.
— ShibyShila (@ShibyShila) June 7, 2016
I'm in TEARS at how ridiculously serious Chad took the ESPN exercise #TheBachelorette
— Taylor (@k_taylor88) June 7, 2016
— Kelly Butorac (@kelly_butorac) June 7, 2016
— Good Morning America (@GMA) June 7, 2016
— ItsNotHouItsMe (@ItsNotHouItsMe) June 7, 2016
JoJo Was Still A Kiss Queen
From what I hear, this is actually pretty progressive for this show. The girls are supposed to be timid and chaste, but JoJo’s out here kissing boys, because that’s what happens in real life when you date people. Confirmed kisses for James Taylor, Evan who refers to himself as “Daddy” (but it’s okay! He’s bragging about his sexual conquests to his children!), and definitely not to Chad, who tried to get big and lay one on JJ in front of all his haters. But, uhh, access denied.
I'm (obviously) old fashioned but it's strange seeing one girl kiss 5 guys on the same day #TheBachelorette
— G (@GHAAD1) June 7, 2016
Hopefully no one has mono, Hojo I mean JoJo has kissed like everybody. Don't touch me with those mono lips eh #TheBachelorette
— Not Daniel Bachelor (@danieldamjojo) June 7, 2016
— anna wonderlich (@annawonderlich) June 7, 2016
— Haley Greenberg (@haleygreenberg) June 7, 2016
Laughing my ass off at douchbag Chad, when JoJo denied him that kiss on stage!! #TheBachelorette
— Michelle Kirkpatrick (@TheColoursUHave) June 7, 2016
There Was A 12-Man Group Date
Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, twelve men and one woman was called a gang bang — now it’s called entertaining family television! In any case, there was a date between all the guys and JoJo, during which they talked about sex until they got uncomfortable, and then picked on Chad, because he’s the hottest and cockiest, and they hate him. And I think because all of you hate him too, so #ratings.
"So I'm on this group date with 10 guys, 1 douche, and myself." #TheBachelorette
— Ellie Kaye (@EllieKaye14) June 7, 2016
Chad's sex story could've been about taking meat in his mouth over and over at the cocktail party while the guys watched! #TheBachelorette
— Greg Rom (@Rhomnocerous25) June 7, 2016
Only bros would be this uncomfortable listening to women talk about their sex lives #TheBachelorette
— Crockett (@crocketthall) June 7, 2016
me when Chad said 'I know what she probably looks like I can see through her dress': #TheBachelorette
— Queen B (@rizzlestickzz) June 7, 2016
The Producers Considered Renaming It “The Chad Show”
I’m going to be entirely honest with you guys, if I didn’t know the “star” of this show was JoJo, I’d think it was Chad. He’s all you guys can talk about. You say you hate him, but you just can’t keep his name out of your mouths. But to be fair, a lot went down.
He was still a “jerk.”
He’s what you guys are all calling a jerk, anyway, because he’s not befriending all the people who hate him, and he’s not sucking JoJo’s dick. He says she hasn’t earned….his love?… yet. I think he’s just keeping it real.
— Christine Wang (@chrissywang54) June 7, 2016
"She hasn't earned that yet." Chad has some great points, actually. BUT… you shouldn't have come on #TheBachelorette.
— Cassie Beebe (@CassTeaElle) June 7, 2016
— monita (@HadwehMonita) June 7, 2016
Chad going "NO GIRL. ON ANY PLANET. EVER CHOOSES. EVAN. FOR. ANYTHING." omg caveman manbaby cartoon villain #TheBachelorette
— Natalie (@wednesdaydreams) June 7, 2016
He was compared to Hitler
But in a funny way. His former Canadian BFF Daniel doesn’t want to hang out with him any more, because it’s like hanging out with Hitler, and it makes him look bad.
— Ashley Kramer (@KramerAsh) June 7, 2016
#TheBachelorette had the best line on TV: "Lets say you are Hitler. I don't want to be Hitler. OK, then lets say you are Donald Trump."
— David Phillips (@yodasworld) June 7, 2016
He Got Into A Huge Fight With Like, Everyone
As it seems, Chad is a natural asshole (hot) who doesn’t GAF about the rest of the guys, and they’re all like “Waaahhhh, Chaaaad, just play niiiiiice.” And he’s like “You’re all a bunch of pussies pretending like this is real, so no.” And then they got obsessed with hating him which only ~builds tension.~ Evan, the dick doctor, is particularly obsessed with him (maybe you’re #HereForTheWrongReasons, E-Money. Work with dicks and more obsessed with a dude than JoJo? Noted).
And so, a big fight went down. And hate him as you might, not a single person tweeted anything about Chad starting it, physically, at least. Evan shoved Chad. Chad clocked Evan, who ended up getting to play the victim because Chad is bigger, and stronger, and not on steroids, because he couldn’t have gotten them into the show even if he wanted to. SO THERE.
— LadySquibbles16* (@LadySquibbles16) June 7, 2016
— Tammy Hood (@Hoodtammy17Hood) June 7, 2016
— Britler (@fishbulb111) June 7, 2016
I would probably punch someone in the face too if a whole house of people was picking on me for no reason. move on guys #TheBachelorette
— TheBrilliantBalance (@AmandaBounds) June 7, 2016
Watched the altercation again. Chad did tell Evan wait but he kept walking. Evan shoved Chad 1st so Chad pulled E's shirt. #TheBachelorette
— TH (@TanyaHazou) June 7, 2016
Evan Was A Little Bitch
After his throwdown with Chad, Evan tattled on him to Chris Harrison, who literally could not give a fuck less, because he’s too busy wishing he was Ryan Seacrest. And then he gave JoJo an ultimatum: “It’s either me or Chad.” Yeah, obviously, fucktard. She’s not going to end up with both of you in the end anyway. More accurately, “it’s either me, or him, or one of the other ten guys here, because you are dating 12 guys right now, and this show is unrealistic.” She still gave Evan a rose, though, which I don’t think necessarily means Chad is out, but it may. Three episodes and a fight is probably all the producers can handle while maintaining the “reality” here.
Evan totally played Chad and Chad fell for it. That makes Evan a little scary coz he can just manipulate weaknesses. #TheBachelorette
— Nothingbetter2do (@jwalkinginheels) June 7, 2016
Evan let's be honest u knew that what u said was gonna get u punched in the face like let's be real here #TheBachelorette
— Chelsea Brazil (@chelsea_braz96) June 7, 2016
Evan vs. Chad
Passive-Aggression vs. Aggression
They both need to GO!#TheBachelorette
— Ms B'well (@PamelaBwell) June 7, 2016
lol why does Evan think Chris Harrison gives a shit what is going on in the house? #TheBachelorette
— Julian 傅立豪 (@BaiHuJ) June 7, 2016
— Alana Christensen (@APuawai) June 7, 2016
Chad Ate A Potato
A sweet potato, actually. Raw. Like an apple. A single piece of lettuce as well.
— Lillian R (@LillianJRand) June 7, 2016
— Patty Reddi (@realpattywap) June 7, 2016
Catching up #TheBachelorette. Favorite part: when crazy Chad is casually chatting while eating a sweet potato whole with his hands
— Ashley Noethe (@MrsNoethe) June 7, 2016
— kolbe (@kolbejack) June 7, 2016
Chad eating a single piece of lettuce did it for me. I can't with this show anymore omg #TheBachelorette
— Sheila (@sheeluhhbuoy) June 7, 2016
As always, let me know how I did in the comments section below. To read last week’s Twitter recap click here..