A Crazy Girl’s Dialogue When She Goes To Her Not-Boyfriend’s Philanthropy Event


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Nice Move


The Announcement

Philanthropy Chair: Okay, ladies. Good job on coming in second place at AGD’s trivia night. Snaps to Nicole and Sandra for straight killing it.


Philanthropy Chair: We have Delta Gamma’s Anchor Splash next week. Our team is set, and I’m holding practice for you every day this week, and one practice on Wednesday for our alternates.

Random Voice: Every day?!?!

Parliamentarian: Girls, quiet down.

Philanthropy Chair: Coming up is Rho Lambda’s Mr. Greek. We obviously don’t need any volunteers for that, but it’s $5 if you’d like to attend. I think it’s going to be $7 at the door, so buy your tickets now.

Me: *whispers* Oh, a Rho Lam event? Sign me right the fuck up.

Jessica: *whispers* Do you mean to say you don’t like the sisters of Rho Lambda fraternity? Everyone likes Rho Lam. They’re very gener–

Parliamentarian: GIRLS. Why are you talking when your sisters are talking?

Me: *whispers* My thoughts exactly. Shut the fuck up, Kelly.

Philanthropy Chair: And we have SAE What Karaoke, and we’ll need a volunteer.

Me: *whispers* Omg. Omg, omg, OMG. Did she just say…

Jessica: Michelle will volunteer!


Parliamentarian: LANGUAGE!

Me: Sorry. I mean no way in hades. But I love sick children. They’re my favorite kind. I mean, they’re not my favorite kind. I’d like for all children to be healthy, obviously. I’m just going to busy killing myself that day. Everyone actually mark your calendars for my funeral to follow. It’s going to be a banger.
Philanthropy Chair: Strike that from the minutes. So we still need… *trails off*

Jessica: *chokes on laughter*

Me: *whispers* You’re an evil bitch, you know that?

Jessica: *whispers* That’s why we’re friends.

The Facebook Event

*Courtney Anne, Brittany Townsend, Matt Johnson, and 153 other friends are attending SAE What Karaoke*

Me: *kills self*

Me: *acknowledges that I’m not actually suicidal, just needs a new Xanax refill*

Me: *checks Facebook notifications frantically for an invite*

Jessica: Did you get an invite to SAE What yet?

Me: No, is it over between me and Matt? Do I just give up and go into witness protection now?

Jessica: Do you want me to just invite you?

Me: No, I don’t want you to fucking invite me! Are you insane? I have to act like I barely even know about this event, even though I obviously do, because it was announced at chapter. HE needs to invite me, because, like, that means he’s thinking of me, ya know? Or at least thinking of me as a person in the Greek community that he sort of has a claim to in some way, you know?

Jessica: But wouldn’t it be kind of cool if someone else invited you? Like you don’t even need him to be the reason you’re there?

Me: Shit, you’re right. But it still can’t be you. That’s too obvious. And I don’t really know a lot of other SAEs. Honestly, my attendance at this event lowkey has everything to do with how our relationship goes from here on out. Like…being invited to a fraternity event is a big deal.

Jessica: Michelle, literally everyone in Greek life at our school is invited to this event.

Me: Yeah, but how many of them were invited by him, ya know? Actually, that’s a really good question. I might literally go through the invite list to see who he invited. I’m like, clearly 578th on his list, because I haven’t even been invited yet.

Facebook: *pings*

Me: Just kidding, he just invited me. I’m going to wait to respond for like two days. That’ll show him.

Day Of Event

Me: *dry heaves*

Me: WHAT THE FUCK DO I WEAR TO THIS THING? I want to give off the vibe like I’m not trying, but you still want to offer up your face as a seat, ya know?

Jessica: I don’t know, I’m probably going to wear like, leggings and an oversized tee.

Me: Absolutely not.

Jessica: Why?

Me: Because, I just told you, I want to look like sex, not what happens the morning after sex, and I will look like I’m trying too hard if you look like a homeless person. Besides, we’re obviously pregaming and postgaming this event, so I want to be bar ready anyway.

Jessica: Okay, true. What if I wear a t-shirt dress, that olive green jacket you like and keds or gladiators, and you can wear like ripped jeans, a leotard and wedges? Because I feel like only one of us can wear heels, and it should be you, because it’s your wedding.

Me: Yes. Can I wear, like, all your clothes though? I hate everything I own.

Jessica: Yeah, that’s fine.

Happy Hour

Me: *takes shot*

Me: *takes shot*

Me: *takes shot*

Me: *takes shot*

At The Event

Me: I’m honestly so *hiccup* nervous I could die. I’ve never really talked to Matt sober before?

Jessica: You’ve been hooking up for like two months. How is that possible? Also, I wouldn’t exactly call you “sober” right now.

Me: I had like six drinks. I’m barely buzzed. Oh my God. There he is. Do you see him? Do you think he sees me?

Jessica: You mean through the doors we haven’t entered yet, all the way across this giant auditorium, while he’s busy prepping for this event? Yeah, he probably saw you.

Me: Omg, we’re going in. Omg, we’re almost in. Omg, we’re in. How do I look? Should I go say hi to him? What do I do?

Jessica: No, don’t go up to him right now. He’s setting up, and he won’t have time for you, and you’ll be upset, and I’ll have to deal with it.

Me: Okay.

Me: Are you sure?

Jessica: Just fucking wait. Let’s go say hi to people, and lie when they ask if we’re drunk.

Courtney: You guys, I’m fucking sloshed right now. Where’s Kelly, that whore. If I get written up again I will probably be on social probation.

Jessica: Where were you? We were at Pete’s, but honestly, like every sorority girl was out too, and I saw a bunch of Chi O’s in letters, so I feel like we were fine. I actually… *trails off*

Me: You guys, he just looked at me.

Courtney: Who? That guy Matt you’re hooking up with? Have you been staring at him the whole time you’ve been here?

Me: No, Courtney. That would be insane. I’ve actually been staring at him for much longer than that. I quite literally search his name before my notifications on Instagram, and I only even Snapchat to see if he opens my story. Fuck, he’s coming over here. He’s coming over here. He’s coming over here.

Matt: Hey! You made it! Thanks for coming!

Me: Oh, well, yeah. Jess’s little is singing for us, so we couldn’t miss it. Matt, this is Jess, Courtney.

Matt: Yeah, I think we met the other night at Pete’s.

Jessica: Did we?

Courtney: Yeah, maybe, hey.

Me: *internally collapses at how ~casual~ they just made me seem*

Matt: Well what are you guys doing after this? I just came by to invite Michelle over to the house. I think we’re going to have an after party, and obviously all this good-deed-doing means I need to be a complete hedon to return balance to the universe.

Courtney: Oh, thanks, Mike. Or… Matt was it? I’m sorry.

Matt: Haha, yeah, Matt. That happens all the time.

Me: I’m so cool right now.

Me: Well, yeah, I think we were just going to go back to Pete’s but definitely, we can stop by.

Matt: Cool, alright. Well, I have to get back and help them set up, but I’ll see you later?

Jessica: Sure thing. Thanks, Matt.

Me: You guys. Did he just ask me to marry him? Like am I engaged right now?

Courtney: Already planning your bachelorette.

Jessica: You’ll make beautiful children.

Me: You know, I think we will.


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