Maybe you’re hungover. Maybe you just went to one of those insane Brazilian steakhouses and the amount of food you consumed sort of makes you want to die. Maybe the sheer thought of moving your body just sounds like too much for you. Whatever it is, you’re in literally no condition to be having intercourse, but fuck it. You’re doing it anyway. The worst of the sex, lazy sex almost doesn’t count. Chances are you’ll rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s going to be doing the work, and you’ll pray to any and all deities that you don’t have to be on top. It will most likely be in missionary, because you are not down with doing any maneuvering at all.
How it happens: Your mind’s telling you no, but your genitals are telling you yes.
Almost as bad as lazy sex, bored sex is just, well boring. Maybe you have a lot on your mind, or maybe you got distracted. The moves (or your relationship) could be stale, but you’re still down to get frisky. Partway through you realize that you’re daydreaming about what’s going to happen on the next episode of your show and planning dinner, totally forgetting that you have a dick inside of you. That’s when you usually moan an “I want you to come for me baby” sigh, and get it over with. C’est la vie.
How it happens: Your brain was just like “ehhh” and gave up trying to connect to your vag.
A classic. The norm. Nothing special, but nothing bad. Normal sex is the run-of-the-mill stuff you have with a boyfriend or longtime FWB. Maybe you’re bored in the afternoon. Maybe you’re about to fall asleep, and he taps you with his boner. Maybe you just haven’t done it in awhile, and feel like dusting off the ol’ cobwebs. Whatever leads you to it, it’s nothing special. Five to ten minutes of thrusting, the same three favorite positions that you always do, and BAM you’re done (or at least, he’s done). There’s nothing bad about it. Hell, you’d even say it’s good. But it’s not the sex the elicits songs, rom coms, and Sunday morning brunch gossip.
How it happens: Just everyday life.
Drunk sex can either be really, really good or really, really bad. Most of the time you don’t really know how long you’re going for. Was it a minute or an hour? You’ll never know. If you’re the perfect amount of drunk, drunk sex can be magical and naughty. It can happen in the bathroom with your boyfriend, or it can end with pizza in bed when you both got hungry and forgot to finish. On the flip side, however, drunk sex can be risky. You might find yourself in your ex’s apartment, crying mid-penetration about the fact that he never met your family. Drunk sex is a gamble, and you can either come out on top or on the bottom (pun intended). No matter the risks, however, we’re always down to play the game.
How it happens: Alcohol. Usually tequila.
High sex, like high eating, is the absolute best. As opposed to drunk sex, where your senses are dulled, high sex heightens your senses. Everything feels great, tastes great, and last the perfect amount of time. Despite the fact that your skin is pretty much orgasming from a casual graze, your mind is calm, relaxed and oh-so-mellow. The downside? You’re not even close to sober, so some might think that it’s sort of cheating. You can’t do it all the time, but when you do? Cherish that shit.
How it happens: After a little puff-blow (geddit?) pass.
Ah, the romantic sex. The reason we watch rom coms, go to nice dinners, and waste money on cheesy gifts. We want to have a sex life like Noah and Allie. We want to stand in the pouring rain, yell at each other, and then tear our clothes off and bang on the kitchen table. We want neck kisses. We want hair pulling. We want candles and rose petals and bubble baths and champagne. Passionate sex isn’t just about Barry White music. It’s about really feeling like you connect with the person. Usually reserved for someone you love (or at least really like), this type involves lots of eye contact, possibly a few happy tears, and a totally honest, “that was amazing” talk afterwards.
How it happens: With the right person, at the right time, and/or after watching “The Notebook.”
Now this is the good stuff. The crème de la crème. The best of the fucking best. Weird sex is when you let your inhibitions down. This can sometimes be confused with drunk sex (because after some vodka you always whip our your novelty handcuffs), but the difference? When you really try the kinky shit, and you’re sober, it’s a whole new world. Different moves, some BDSM, a little chocolate or hot wax or pee or whatever it is you’re down for (no judgements, everyone is a freak in their own way). Weird sex is past romantic sex because you trust that person so much to not make fun of you and to also not kill you when you’re blindfolded and tied up to a bed. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
How it happens: When you accept the fact that you maybe sort of like getting spanked in the bedroom and find someone who’s down to try anything and everything with you.
Just know, no matter how you’re doing it, you’re not alone. Unless you’re doing some solo stuff. Then, you know. Carry on..