The inarguable best part of going out and getting plastered is the eating that follows after you’re done throwing back shots like it’s your job. Let’s face it, we all love to do some drunk eating. We aren’t worried about being lady-like, or counting calories. We are hungry, wasted, grown women, and it is time to Chow. Down.
The drunchies (drunk munchies for any of you that were confused there for a second) should really have their own place on the Girl Food Pyramid. Right behind “Wine I Bought Because The Label Was Cute” and “I’m On My Period So This Doesn’t Count.”
Most of the time, they are the best idea we have ever had. Sometimes though, they end terribly with us hating ourselves and our choices as they come back up the next day.
Kraft Mac and Cheese
Nothing is more delectable and satisfying than some cheesy deliciousness eaten directly out of the pot over the stove. Am I the only one who feels like I’m the winner of motherfucking Chopped when I drunk-make mac and cheese? I am the Mario Batali of $1.50 boxed pasta when I’m three sheets to the wind. It is part of this balanced second dinner and I for one, am here for it.
Whataburger/In and Out/Whatever Your Town’s Burger Place Is
Diving into a burger covered in cheese, tomatoes, and mayo when you’re sitting on $75 worth of vodka in your otherwise empty stomach is what being an American is all about.
Every city has some type of street food/food truck that they are known for. In Seattle it’s Seattle Dogs – hot dogs filled with cream cheese topped with whatever your little heart desires. In my college town it’s this crazy, amazing taco truck with $3 nachos that weigh enough to knock out a football player should you need to. There is something so satisfying about eating street food on a curb while you sing Top 40 hits in your head (or out loud) and wait for your Uber to come and whisk you home.
A great women once said, “Pizza fixes everything.” That great woman was everybody’s best friend, Jennifer Lawrence. And she was right. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Tortilla Chips and Ibuprofen
A recipe for a hangover free morning is Tostidos Hint of Lime eaten on my way to falling asleep with my makeup on and surrounded by crumbs. Toss in downing as much water as I can to chase away the salt while also swallowing a couple of pain relievers and I will be as good as gold. Come sunrise, it’s go time. Bring on the hangover eggs and spicy hash browns because your girl will be READY.
I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Kendra! That’s Anna Kendrick’s favorite! How could it be bad?!” But have you ever woken up surrounded by Crunch Wrap Supreme wrappers and felt good? Honestly a T-Bell hangover is almost worse than a red wine hangover. Your stomach feels like it has a block of lead just chilling in it, your breath smells like the bottom of a fraternity garbage can, and the first time you try to work out after the fact is so painful you think you understand war. Just say no to Fourth Meal. Just say no.
This is not a drunchie. This is you trying to prove how much better you are than everybody else and we are not having it. Stop and just go to bed.
The girl who comes home from the bar and says, “I think I have Patron in my room!” is the girl who is going to potentially need to go to the ER. Shotgunning a beer upon arriving home might make you feel more full, but it’s also going to make your hangover so bad you wish you were dead. Two day hangovers are for Vegas and the beach, ladies.
One word: Curdling.
The Questionable Leftovers In Your Fridge
If you have to google “How long until Buffalo Wild Wings goes bad” the next day after you see that the boneless wings from Ladies Night are gone, you should be very worried about what you consumed. The other risk you run by digging into a takeout box is that the food might not really be yours and then you will face the wrath of your roommate who was really looking forward to cold Pad Thai but your drunk ass ruined everything. If you don’t know what it is, don’t put it in your body. A good rule for drunchies, and dudes if we’re being honest..