A Fool-Proof Guide To Always Getting Off


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Orgasms. Everyone likes to talk about them, but not many people get them. And by people, I mean women. Unfortunately for us, when it comes to getting our share in the sack, we sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean a lot of the times) walk away without getting ours. The New York Post did a little digging and found out just how often we get off. You know, because at least someone cares, amiright?

Even though the research suggests that 90 percent of women have orgasms, I feel like they’re wrong. I mean, sure, if he asks you, say that you did. Twice, actually, as the data suggests.

But let’s be honest here. Did you? Did you really? Even though apparently tons of women are getting off all of the time, 60 percent also said that they fake orgasms. Which makes more sense. But it’s also really annoying. So I’m going to grace you with the be-all-end-all guide to getting off. Because this is America and dammit, you deserve to orgasm.

  1. Think about something pleasant.
  2. Like Zac Efron’s abs.
  3. Or queso.
  4. Try not to get distracted by the fact that you haven’t showered in one day, four hours, and thirty-seven minutes.
  5. Or that your leg hair is at that three-days-since-shaved prickly stage.
  6. Let’s just not talk about your other hair.
  7. Magically lose ten pounds as soon as your clothes come off.
  8. Like, “OMG my shirt came off and so did that pesky baby weight that I got from drinking too much beer freshmen year.”
  9. Or if that doesn’t work, just turn off the lights.
  10. All of them.
  11. It’s basically like getting lipo.
  12. Don’t think about all of those weird slurping, squishing, and slapping sounds.
  13. I’m sure he thinks they’re totally normal and in no way disgusting.
  15. No really. Stop thinking about his ex.
  16. Like now.
  17. And while you’re at it, stop thinking about your ex, too.
  18. Ask him to go down on you.
  19. And by “ask” I mean sit on his face the second he blinks.
  20. Surprise!
  21. Don’t expect to get off in positions that are impossible to get off in.
  22. Missionary? Your chances of getting off in missionary are the same as getting off while knitting.
  23. Spoiler: no one gets off while knitting.
  24. Don’t use condoms.
  25. JK. You know. Sort of.
  26. Drench your entire bodies in lube.
  27. There needs to be a snail trail from you to the bathroom when you’re done, otherwise it was all pointless.
  28. If you feel self-conscious about your body, just wear a dress or giant banana costume while having sex. Seriously. It doesn’t matter.
  29. Or you can just realize that he’s putting his penis inside of you, so yes. He thinks you’re hot AF. Literally.
  30. Don’t act like you came until you actually came. Easy, but often times forgotten.
  31. And if he finished before you, don’t let him leave.
  32. Class is not over. He is not dismissed.
  33. Don’t be afraid to use your hands. Or his hands. Or anyone else who happens to have hands nearby.
  34. And if all else fails, just grab a vibrator.
  35. Actually, might as well just use that from the beginning.
  36. Because let’s be real. No one can love us like some vibrating rubber and a few AAs can.

And they lived orgasmically-ever-after.

[via New York Post]

Image via Shutterstock

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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