A Freshman’s Guide To Frat Parties


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I have to be honest with you guys: Nothing I say here will prepare you for what you’re about to experience. You just gotta see this shit to understand. But, I can do my best to warn you about things you should look out for, tell you what the fuck NOT to do, and mostly importantly, live vicariously through you as I have officially retired from the game.

What To Expect

Without violating the sacred familial bond of Greek life, I can definitely tell you to expect to have fun. Frat parties are like mixers for college students. They’re a great way to see that kid you barely knew in high school and be like, “Hey Ted, I knew you four years ago so introduce me to all of your hot brothers and I’ll do the same with these awesome hoes I brought.” I don’t mean to say that it’s all about finding someone to bang—it can be, if you want. But it’s also a great place to make friends, or at least acquaintances. They always say Greek life will help make the campus seem smaller, and this is how it happens. Get your name out there and have some laughs with people you’ve never met. Just ask any upperclassman, and she’ll tell you that she met at least half of the guys she’s close friends with through frat parties.

As far as the actual nature of the parties, I guess the most accurate way to describe them would be to picture a rave, and then picture a shitty high school basement party, and then smush the two together. That’s what a frat party looks like. The house will probably be sticky and they might not have the type of beer you want, but don’t be a bitch about it. It’s going to be loud and messy and there will probably be more than one instance where you witness someone throwing up, but it’s also a fucking blast. The music is bomb, the themes are always hilarious, and everybody is basically coming together to have a good time and blow off steam. I’m seriously jealous of you bitches right now.

Basic Rulebook

Do have a good time. Do bring all your friends or sisters or random girls who live on your hall and look like they could use a friend. Do dress up for themes and have as much fun as possible because come sophomore year, your courses will start bitch slapping you on a daily basis. Do dance like no body is watching, even though tons of people are probably watching. Do talk to the guys even though you don’t know what to expect, because half of them are freshmen who are just as new to the whole thing as you.

Don’t drink more than you can handle. Don’t get separated from your friends. Don’t do something your mom wouldn’t want you to do, and when I say “mom” I mean your big, because your real mother probably wouldn’t want you there in the first place. Don’t steal shit from the guys’ rooms; it’s not cute, it’s annoying as fuck. Don’t treat the house like it’s a warehouse, because it’s not– it’s home to a lot of guys, and one of them might eventually be your study buddy, or fuck buddy, or friend.

Final Notes

You’re not in high school anymore. I know that’s obvious, but keep that in mind as you push through these next four years. Drinking yourself into a coma and acting like an idiot at a frat party isn’t going to make you friends. You need to be responsible and make smart decisions, because mom isn’t going to be there to pick you up at the end of the night. Keep track of your friends and look out for each other; even if you barely know a girl, if you went to the party with her, you need to be a friend for the night. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes and do stupid shit, because we all have been there. Just make sure you’re able to like yourself on Sunday morning, even if you definitely should have laid off the Tequila Saturday night.

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Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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