Saturday marks the SEC Championship game between the Alabama Crimson Tide and the Georgia Bulldogs. It’s kind of a big deal, because the winner of this game may very well win the national title game. Even if you don’t know much about football, you may have noticed the two tall, dark-haired, good-looking quarterbacks under those crimson and red helmets.
Here are some stats on those two starting quarterbacks:
On paper, both of these guys make all of our ex-boyfriends look about as cool as Bella Swan. Based on their stat sheets, give me one reason why wouldn’t you want to take them home to your parents? Or make them sandwiches the rest of their lives? I definitely wouldn’t mind having little Aaron look-a-likes running around, or having boys with A.J.’s perfect hair. The thing is, both of these guys are actually total fucking tools. Want proof?
Exhibit A: A.J.’s family crest tattoo
Unfortunately, that which has been seen can’t be unseen. That atrocious thing on his chest is real. I don’t really need anymore hardcore evidence of A.J. being a tool, because the tattoo on his chest says it all. In case you forget where he’s from, he’s made sure to include a permanent reminder by displaying the words “BAMA BOY” above the crying Jesus in his “chest piece.” (I’m sure Jesus is crying over the stupidity of this abomination.)
No matter how many rings A.J. earns at Bama, nothing covers up that tattoo.
Exhibit B: Aaron’s sensitivity and selfishness
My biggest pet peeve is when a guy tweets like a girl. Aaron Murray tweets like a girl. In fact, I’m certain my tweets are more testosterone-laden than his. Nobody cares about your man thighs, or dinner dates with your sister, Aaron. And not only does he tweet like a girl, but he blocks people on twitter like a girl would. One summer night, I simply called this guy out on comparing the NBA championship to the BCS Championship. I got blocked. I guess I hurt his feelings. Poor baby. You’re a quarterback. Grow some balls for shit’s sake.
But aside from the twitter thing, have y’all seen his sex tape/candids from Spring Break this year? In case you haven’t, I decided to supply this picture:
Have I mentioned that the girl in that pic is Aaron’s ex-girlfriend’s BEST FRIEND and SORORITY SISTER? That’s the lowest, scummiest, trashiest, most thoughtless, most asshole move a guy can make. Aaron’s mascot fits him perfectly, because he is a dog.
The real question for Saturday isn’t who’s the better quarterback, but rather who’s the bigger tool. So if you find yourself five vodka-Red Bulls deep inside 5 Paces on Saturday night (mourning or celebrating), and you happen to be in a situation where one of these QB’s wants to take you home…just say no.