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A Guide to Hooking Up With Your TA

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We all know how it feels on that crisp, late summer morning. The sun is rising, the birds are chirping, and you’re ready to take on the day (after a few aspirin). Yes, it is the first day of the semester. You tell yourself you’re going to do it right this year, get that 4.0, and finally make your parents proud. That is, of course, until you step foot into your first class. “Is that our TA?!” you quietly gasp as your mouth drops to the floor and drool gathers at the side of your lip. Oh no. It’s over. What will you do now? How can you possibly get that A when all you’ll want to study is the subtle curve of his jaw line? How will you ever be able to take good notes when your best effort will be middle school-style penning complete pages of his last name appended to your first? How can you possibly survive this semester?

Well, if you can’t beat him, join him? I mean, maybe if you could just hookup with him once, you would release all those built up hormones distracting you during class, right? It’s not like he’s a professor or something. He’s still technically still a student, so there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe he could show you a few study tips and help you get that A (or at least a B+). You won’t get caught. Nooooo, never. Plus, think of all the dirty places you could hookup: the lab, his office, and there’s always the recitation room. But wait, do you really think you’re the first one who’s noticed him? Look at all these other skanks who think they can have your man. Look at them foaming at the mouth like rabid dogs. Sorry, sweethearts, better luck next time. This man is mine.

But how? Well, for starters, he is obviously an intelligent being and would prefer that to be reciprocated in a potential partner. Basically, you have to be the teacher’s pet. Sit up front. Do all the extra credit you can. Ask clever questions during class. Remember, you don’t really need his help. You’re above all the other undergraduate scum. Secondly, act natural. If he’s a total babe, chances are he’s used to being swooned over. He doesn’t want another grade school crush. He wants a lady. Let him think he’s the one interested in you. Now you’re ready to make a move. Whether it’s in lab, at the end of class, or when you pass him in the hallway, bring up something that you’ve been having “trouble” with: “You know that homework assignment you sent out this week? I’ve been having trouble with number 21. I just can’t get it right. Think you could help sometime?” or “I’ve been working on this paper for, like, over a month. Would you mind looking at it for me?” The way you approach him should be similar to the way you would approach your father after overdrawing your bank account: sweet as can be, innocent as a church mouse, and just needy enough that he can’t say no. Try to schedule a meeting somewhere private or off campus. Get close. Trade numbers. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to instruct you on the rest.

Now, get ready to reap the benefits. You’re putting in extra study hours, getting some extra cardio in the bedroom, and living out every college girl’s biggest dream. I mean, you’re practically the real version of Penny and Leonard. He’s sweet, he’s mature, and he’s already been through the jerk-of-the-century phase every collegiate male undergoes. He values education, and you value his sex drive. He can read your reports, give you ideas, and maybe even help you get the internship of a lifetime. The plus side is, if you decide to drop him like freshman bio, you probably won’t ever have another class with him. If it does work out, though, he’s definitely going to win over your mom in a heartbeat.

Be wary, though! There are things at stake with this relationship (or whatever you want to call it). If he gets caught, it could damage his chances at getting a Ph.D. and being your future sugar daddy. If you get caught, there goes the A you’ve been “working so hard” to get, not to mention any and all of your parents’ respect. In public, keep it professional. You have to act like nothing is happening. Even when he styles his hair in an amazingly hot new way or is wearing those adorable pastel chinos, learn to control yourself, dammit! You can take off his pants and run your fingers through his hair later. Also, be afraid of the typical classroom overachiever. He or she will do anything and everything to get to the top, and this person will watch your every move. Whatever you do, don’t, I repeat, DON’T compare tests with this person–or anyone for that matter. Their crybaby, nitpicking ways will demolish any chances of future curves in your favor. Lastly, if he gives you any extra study material (like a copy of tomorrow’s pop quiz) don’t share it with anyone. He wants to help you and only you. It will be obvious if you pass around this precious intel to your friends when you all get 100s and the rest of the class miserably fails. He’ll probably feel used, because, quite frankly, that’s what you’re doing. If that happens, you can kiss any future hookups or hints on test questions goodbye.

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to premed.donna.tsm@gmail.com.

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