A Guide to Mountain Weekend

Fraternity mountain weekend is one of those events you have to experience to understand. You haven’t witnessed true debauchery until you’ve seen 160 fraternity men set loose on top of a mountain. Upon my first invitation to such an auspicious event, I turned to my guide to all things frat, TFM, for guidance. I was disheartened to discover that no such guide existed. I’ve taken it upon myself to fill this gaping void with shame-tinged pearls of wisdom. Here is everything you need to know before heading off on your first fraternity mountain weekend. You’re welcome.

Packing List

Leggings: the prime legwear for dancing on tables to hits of the ’90s.

Flannels and a vest. It’s the only warmth you’ll need after the thick alcohol blanket that’ll be keeping you toasty.

A swimsuit. There will be a hot tub. You will want to get in it. Just a bra and panties will seem like a great idea, but it’s not. Trust me on this one.

Snacks. Boys are in charge of cooking. While they’ve managed to somewhat plan and pull off getting you there, that’s where their responsibility for you comes to an abrupt halt. I once experienced dinner being prepared at 3:45pm, because the brother in charge of the food got hungry.

The biggest water bottle you can find. Hungover you will thank me.

If your date is an underclassman, an air mattress will be your saving grace; you won’t get a bed, otherwise, and sofas always end up way overcrowded.

Your own Tervis or solo cups. All glass will be destroyed. There will not be a cup, mug, or plate completely in one piece after the first twelve hours. The phrase “security deposit” will become a running joke.

Duck boots. This is not the time for your leather riding boots, as they will be destroyed faster than the majority of the furniture in the house. You’ll appreciate the rubber bottoms of the duck boots as you wade through the several inches of beer and vomit that will be covering the floor by Sunday morning.

An open mind. You will see boys doing lines of coke off of bear paintings, your date may lose his pants on Friday night and walk around in boxers all weekend, and you may wake up to find your bra hanging on his rearview mirror. It’s okay. It’s mountain weekend. Let it happen.

Double the amount of alcohol you think you’ll need. This is the big leagues. Also your date might blackoutedly (is that a word? It is now) decide he’s PBR Santa Claus and give away most of your beer.

Timeline of Events

Friday:

Arrive.

Start drinking.

Saturday:

Wake up to the loudest music ever around 8am. You will now forever associate this song with the worst headache of your life. Start drinking to numb the pain.

Maybe eat something, but probably not.

Lock yourself in a bathroom and try to make it look like you didn’t sleep for two hours in a rocking chair.

Drink.

Dance on tables.

Hide and take a nap and/or put your Adderall to good use.

Drink.

Sunday:

You’re not actually sure it’s Sunday, because you never went to sleep.

Gather your scattered belongings and try to figure out where you stashed your dignity on Friday night. Check by the hot tub.

Get in the car and promptly fall asleep.

Wake up two hours into the drive home and insist on stopping for food.

Get home, thank your date for the lovely weekend, and fall asleep on your floor, because you’re too tired for a shower and too gross for your bed.

With that being said, a modicum of self-respect is necessary. Sure, it’s a weekend of hammered fun, in a new place, with a bunch of guys and probably several of your sisters. It’s easy to let loose. Just don’t let too loose. Remember your standards (and standards chair). Don’t do anything you don’t want photographed, don’t drunkenly throw your letters, and remember that girls from other sororities are watching…and judging. Don’t feel bad about hiding from your date for a few hours and taking a nap or checking Pinterest on your phone to remind you that a world exists beyond the strange and boozy one you’re in.

Most importantly, watch out for your sisters. Start a group text to check in on each other, or use it to engage in a titty-pic competition complete with a point system or for sharing hungover selfies to entertain each other as you caravan back to your college town. Just have fun, don’t do anything your big wouldn’t do, make sure your cooler is the best one in the car. And remember, t-shirt or it didn’t happen.