A Guide To Pretending You Understand Sports


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I pride myself on being a wingwoman. Whether that means helping a guy friend score with one of my sisters he has been eyeing or helping my sisters flirt with their latest crush, I’m there. Nothing makes me happier than seeing two people end their night together and knowing that I helped the stars align. There are two places in particular where my sisters know to come to me for my expertise when flirting with boys: sex and sports. I’ve been around the block and I’ve been around the bases. I’ve been surrounded by men my whole life and picked up a few things along the way. Being an expert on sports (or even knowing just a little) can take you from a single to a homerun with a man you like. Enjoy these helpful hints on learning to relate to the male species.


Probably the most difficult sport to understand. America is obsessed with football and there’s a good chance your guy is too. If you ever catch yourself at a fraternity watching MNF (Monday Night Football), take yourself to ~cool girl~ status with these tips:

The Basics:

  • Each team has 11 players on the field at a time playing either offense or defense. The team on offense attempts to get the football down to the opposing team’s end zone. The team on defense attempts to stop the offensive team from scoring through tackles and interceptions.
  • The offensive team has four attempts called “downs” to move the football at least 10 yards down the field. The quarterback either throws the ball down the field for a player to catch or tosses the ball to another player who will avoid tackles and carry the ball down the field.
  • If a team fails to get the ball down the field 10 yards before the fourth down, they punt the ball and the opposing team gains possession and attempts to score themselves.


  • A touchdown happens when the offensive team gets the ball to the opposing team’s end zone. This is worth 6 points. An additional point can be earned immediately after by kicking the ball through the field goal, making most touchdowns worth 7 points.
  • If a team is close to the end zone, but won’t make it there by the fourth down, they can choose to kick a field goal from that spot and this is worth 3 points.

What’s actually important:

  • An interception is when the defensive team catches a ball from the offensive quarterback meant for his team. If this happens to the team you’re cheering for, stand up from your seat and scream and point at the TV.
  • If the officials (the men on the sidelines in white and black striped shirts) make a call against your team, it’s also appropriate to stand up and scream at the TV.
  • If the quarterback (the only player that really matters) gets injured, a moment of silence and prayer will most likely be held.
  • The Super Bowl is normally held on the last Sunday in January every year. As much as your guy would want you to be a part of it, if his team is playing, it will be a very stressful time in his life. Your best bet is to make some kickass party foods (dips, wings, pizza, etc.) and make sure his beer is always full. Be prepared to see your man cry with tears of joy or sorrow in this important time in his life.


America’s pastime. Baseball is less popular to watch on TV. You’re more likely to find yourself at a game in person. Any boy will see you as the catch you are if you understand these things:

The Basics:

  • Nine players are out on the baseball field playing defense. The players include the pitcher, the catcher, infielders, and outfielders. One player from the opposing team is up-to-bat at a time.
  • While batting, a player can get a hit (a single makes it to first base, double to second, triple to third, homerun to home), strikeout (swing and miss three times), or walk (a free single after 4 balls – pitches not in the strike zone).
  • There are 9 innings in a Major League Baseball (MLB) game consisting of the top of the inning when the away team bats and the bottom of the inning when the home team bats. Each team gets three outs during their at-bats. Outs come from a player striking out, the defense catching a hit ball, or the defense tagging a player out at a base.


  • A player who crosses home plate scores one run. Note: scores in baseball are called runs and should never be referred to as points.
  • A ball that hits the ground before being retrieved by the defense is called a line-drive. A ball that is hit up in the air is a pop fly. A ball hit out of the stadium is an automatic homerun. A homerun that happens when runners are on each base is called a grand slam and gets the team four runs.

What’s actually important:

  • Baseball games are an amazing time to look cute in a baseball hat. Take advantage of this.
  • The umpires (the men who stand behind home plate and call balls or strikes) are always wrong when your dude’s favorite player is batting. Help him bash the umps.
  • Games are usually very long and can get boring. Make up a drinking game for yourself to play during the game. This can pass time, just don’t let your boy know you’re not actually paying attention to the game.


If you’re like me, basketball takes the crown in being the most entertaining. Between the dunks and hot dudes, it’s possible to actually enjoy watching this game. Might as well learn what’s actually happening.

The Basics:

  • Each team puts five players on the court and has a designated hoop to score in.
  • The ball is moved up and down the court by dribbling or passing. Violations of dribbling can result in the other team’s possession.
  • Fouls are called by the referees in the game and are when a player is too aggressive toward another. This can result in possession for the other team or a chance at foul shots. If you’re fouled while shooting, you get two shots. If you’re fouled while shooting a three-point shot, you get three shots.


  • A shot from beyond the three-point line is worth 3 points (duh). Even half court shots and beyond are still worth 3 points. A shot anywhere else is worth two. Foul shots are worth one point each.

What’s actually important:

  • A dunk is when a player has the ball and jumps up in front of the hoop rim to throw the ball down in. This results in immediate cheers and chaos from that team’s fans. It also results in vulgarity and swearing from the opposing team’s fans.
  • During March, skilled college basketball teams are placed in a tournament called March Madness. This is an important time for most college men as they fill out their brackets and bet on who will take the winning title. Fill out a bracket yourself by picking the higher ranked teams 80% of the time and always betting on a 5-12 upset. Picking a few teams to win solely for their hot point-guard is okay too.


Don’t waste your time with this guy.

Blackout_B (@b_m4rie) enjoys drinking beer by the gallon and making memories she'll never actually remember. When she isn't embarrassing herself by making out with randos on the dance floor, you can find her pretending it's normal to drink a glass of wine with breakfast every day. It's fun to sit down with her on Sunday mornings and hear how fucked up her weekend was. Send inquires about her sanity to: brionna346@gmail.com

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