A Guy Slid Into My DMs And I Almost Cared


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Nice Move


It’s happened before. Usually it’s an older guy, or someone from Mexico, or a fake account. They’ll say something like “hey beautiful” or simply just send me the heart eyes emoji. The easy way to get rid of these creeps is blocking them and moving on with my day. That is what I typically did. Until Brian.

I had met Brian briefly a year before. He was in a shitty college band that was trying (and failing) to be the next big thing. He wasn’t that good and he wasn’t that cute, but he played guitar and I was bored, so I responded to that first message. Sitting on my twin XL dorm bed, my friends and I crafted the perfect responses to all of his questions. He had a lot of questions. Some were normal, like my favorite color or go-to drink. Some were weirder, like my turn ons and dream boyfriend. It was fun responding to him. I sounded not only charming, but also fascinating and mysterious. It was a game, lying about who I was and what I did to a boy I’d never see or hear from again.

I expected he’d try to message me again eventually, but he surprised me asking if I wanted to talk on the phone. Sure, why not? I lived 5 hours away and was really thriving off this false identity I created for myself. My friends had all left by this point and my roommate was out of town. So we talked on the phone. The questions got more intimate, questions about losing my virginity and my biggest fear of my future. It was way too deep, and I left that conversation determined that I’d never accept a DM slide again.

Until I got drunk. Until I got bored. Until I got drunk and bored and saw he was online and then I’d talk to him. He was like a long distance boyfriend I could cheat on. Yet, I began to realize he talked more and more, and I cared less and less. He would text me to complain about his life, his band, his roommates, his girlfriend. Wait, girlfriend? What?

This was the part that confused me. I thought he was just planning a summer hook up too far in advance. A girlfriend? A three year committed girlfriend? Christ, what was his plan here? What was the end goal? Was this cheating? Am I supposed to tell the girlfriend about this? What’s my responsibility? I asked him if his girlfriend would like the fact he’s talking to me. He blocked my number and my Facebook and didn’t talk to me for a month.

In April, that number popped up again. I responded, against better judgement. Christ, can’t this boy let it go? Can’t I let it go? What was I even getting out of this weird phone relationship? He asked to meet up over the summer. He would give me tickets to see his band play, he said. I told him that I was busy forever. I had work, classes, vacation, saving the world, moving to Cambodia, or whatever it would take for this guy to take the hint. He wasn’t taking it. Eventually, I had to let him down hard.

Sometimes I wonder about Brian. Maybe he’ll get really famous and write a song about me being a bitch, which is really what every girl wants. Maybe Rebecca will finally figure out her boyfriend is a piece of shit and she could do so much better. Maybe he’ll get really famous and I’ll regret not hooking up with him that summer. I doubt it though. His band was really bad.

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