It’s the beginning of a new year, which leads me to inform you that our relationship can be no more. I am so sorry that I have become a basic “new year, new me” bitch, but I really have no other choice. I have been warned about the negative effects that you have had on me, but I chose not to listen to the doubters. I have tried to let you go many times before, but this time I am determined. My eating has become out of control, and I cannot go on like this any longer.
You see, spring break is just around the corner, which means that there are bikinis to be worn. This is very important to me because I need to post some hot photos on the beach so that no one thinks that I went to college and let myself become a busted can of cinnamon rolls. The winter season has been cold and dreary, which has allowed for me to cover up the five (or more) pounds I gained over Christmas break with sweaters and over-sized crewnecks. However, the time has come to get rid of this toxic relationship.
Seriously though, I just got a ton of new clothes for Christmas and I HAVE to fit into them. I wish I could keep you around, but I am not built like one of those robot twig fitness models on the popular page on Instagram. Trust me, this breakup will be anything but easy for me. I mean really, 85% of my tweets revolve around you, so I’m definitely going to lose followers, likes and retweets.
We have shared some amazing memories together. All those times that I came home drunk and there you were, sitting in my pantry with open arms will not be forgotten. You’ve been there to feed the tiny gremlin inside my uterus that some refer to as a “period.” Those memories will remain in my heart forever and I honestly thought I had found “the one.” But, I cannot simply dismiss all of the horrible things that you’ve done to me.
You single-handedly ruined my perfect high school body, caused countless breakouts and knew that I would come running back to you each and every day. I know you must think that this will be like all the other times we have gone our separate ways. After years and years of putting you before my well-being, this time I mean business. I’m sure that I will be dropping by to pay you a visit every now and then, but don’t expect anything serious because I can’t have either of us getting attached.
In the words of Taylor Swift, “We are never, ever, ever, getting back together… like ever.” Good riddance to midnight Oreo dates in the kitchen with my best friends. Adios to the Crunch Wrap Supremes. Farewell to all of the crispy McNuggets. See ya never, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya..