I’m sorry, I know I’m not supposed to call you that. You are sorority women, a term I find mildly ridiculous because as a senior, I wouldn’t even refer to myself as a “woman.” We’re beyond excited
to have handpicked such a stunning, new pledge class that fate would have the mutual selection process grace us with such a stunning, new pledge class. It had nothing to do with our stalking you for an entire semester, watching your every move, acquiring intel about you, or anything like that. That never happened! That would be weird! We fell in love solely during the rounds of recruitment.
So, girls, you may find yourself surrounded by strangers that are now apparently your sisters. You’re probably ridiculously excited, but also kind of terrified, and a little bit confused. I know how super stoked you were to sign your bid to the best sorority on campus, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have some questions. I’m here with the answers.
We will never haze you. We won’t even talk about hazing you. We may pour an extra tequila shot. We may suggest you MO with an attractive pledge from our favorite fraternity (you’d be so cute together). We may even cover every inch of your room with confetti (you’ll still be finding glitter when you graduate), but nothing is mandatory, and it’s all for fun. (Or is it? No, I’m kidding, it is.) We’ve been waiting for months to openly acknowledge the fact that we’re obsessed with you. We wouldn’t mess it up by making you do something you don’t want to do (just be glad you didn’t join our rival, that’s all I’m saying). Instead, we’re going to shower you with an amount of love that could be misconstrued as romantic. It’s not weird. We stalked you more thoroughly than our latest hookup, so you have to expect this. That’s also not weird. Just look past the bizarre level of adoration, and the fact that we know more about you than you told us. Soon enough you’ll be stalking a pledge class of
babies nuggets sorority women of your own, and you’ll understand our obsession.
chose mutually selected you because we see something in you that will be perfect in our house. We know you’ll be a blast at exchanges, because even our advisor said you looked fun. We know you’re someone’s perfect little. We know you’ll love the gentleman in our brother fraternity just as much as we do, which is a little too much, sometimes. We know you’ll love the girls in the house because you’re so much like them already. We know you belong here.
So, babies, get ready for the best semester you’ll never remember, because drinks are on us. So are the crafts, baked goods, exams in the test bank, and sexy men coming to serenade you (and strip for you). Be prepared to learn our hand sign and make it a part of your picture-taking routine, perfect, the sorority squat, and meet the best people you’ll ever know. You’ll always have people to
study with gossip with while you color-code index cards on Addy, dress up with for a night out, cry to after a breakup, or just sit around and do nothing. You’ll get a big, and she’ll be the best. You’ll feel like you don’t deserve someone so cool, and fabulous, and wonderful, and all-knowing. Then you’ll get a little and realize that you will never find someone you love and relate to more. You’ll realize the importance of sisterhood, tradition, and even ritual (I promise it’s not as weird as it seems, and you don’t actually have to kill a goat). The strangers in this house will become your sisters and best friends, and you won’t be able to imagine life without them. Welcome to our house, and welcome home.