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A Post-Recruitment Survival Guide For Freshman Girls

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Ladies, congratu-fucking-lations, you made it through the horrors of sorority recruitment and are now facing the best four (or more) years of your life as a badass, letter-wearing, always-crafting, little-obsessing, big-loving, wine-chugging sorority girl! You survived death marches in the August heat up and down Greek Row, being heckled by moronic frat guys as you resisted the urge to stab them with your heels that were absolutely KILLING YOU. After some heartbreak, some tears, and some stress-induced phone arguments with your parents, friends, and high school boyfriend who goes to another school but you swore you’d survive college (yeah, good luck buddy, see you never) you were whisked into the loving arms of a sisterhood, given a brightly-colored T-shirt, and raged harder than you ever have in your life on Bid Day. But now, the glow of new sisterhood has worn off and you’re shifting into the gear of pledging and trying to figure out the next glorious four years of your life.

As a casual observer, I’ve seen some girls go into sorority life, own the fuck out of it, and become some of the most awesome women you’d ever meet in your life. They are more poised and graceful than Princess Di with the drinking ability of Ke$ha and the fierceness and sex appeal of Queen Bey herself dropping it low to “Partition.” But for every success story, I’ve seen about 10 or 15 girls just crash and burn under the pressure. It’s not easy being a “sorority girl,” especially when the stigma has somehow become a negative one. Not that I’d tell anyone how to live her life, but here’s a handy little survival guide on how to own sorority life and enter the bad bitches club.

1. Always Put Your Sisters First

Sisters before misters or chicks before dicks, whatever you prefer–it’s a very real concern. There will always be a boy, always, and you will want to spend every minute with him for some reason. Maybe it’s the way he smells or the way he looks in a Rowdy Gentleman tank and sunglasses, or maybe it’s the fact that you’ve only ever had sex with fellow high schoolers who had no idea what they were doing sexually and now you found a guy who can last longer than half a Cher song, but you will stick to that first boy like glue. He will either break your heart or isolate you from your friends for a while and THEN break your heart. Unfortunately, so many girls go so crazy over that first college boyfriend that they neglect all their friends, and when they eventually get their hearts broken, there’s nobody left to help pick up the pieces. Do yourself a favor and always, always, ALWAYS choose your girlfriends over boys, or at least make an effort to maintain your friendships while you have a boyfriend. While guys may be fun to play with–let’s face it, we’ve all been tricked by a big schlong and a smile–your girls will be the ones to swarm you with Ben & Jerry’s, “Sex and the City” DVDs, and snuggles.

2. Don’t Be A Frat Rat

Some of you may be looking at this and saying, “Stefon, you contradictory son of a bitch, don’t you always tell us to embrace sexuality and promiscuity?” The answer to that is, “YASSSSS.” You should always be proud of who you are, and if that person is a highly sexual being, own it, embrace it, and love it. Never be ashamed of who you are. When I say “don’t be a frat rat,” I’m talking about a general attitude of a girl who is considered a “frat rat,” or someone who’s even proud to be one. You can’t just hang around a particular frat castle all day, chilling, waiting for someone to notice you so he can pay attention to you with his penis. Absolutely not. You should not EVER let these boys think they can get you that easily. Make ’em work for it. Sure, you can have sex with as many people as you want, as many times as you want, but by making the boys work for it, that gives you power over them. UNLIMITED POWER. Well, unlimited for four years or your relevance on campus, but still. At least have the boys buy you a drink first. Or dinner. Hell, I’d go to bed for a cupcake. But it better be a big-ass cupcake.

3. Know Your Limits

Granted, this will be a tough one to figure out, and you will no doubt have nights where you black out and throw up all over your dorm room floor, or perhaps in the sorority house cleaning lady’s supply closet, but this is really the only way you learn what your limits are when it comes to drinking or, you know, other substances. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t consume alcohol or other mind-altering substances, but you should absolutely know what your limits are, because there won’t always be sisters around to bail you out of a bad situation. Best case scenario, you end up in front of standards and get a fine, possibly a mandate to stay sober at the next event; worst case…we won’t get into that here, but I’m sure you know what people are capable of doing when someone’s too drunk and wakes up with no memory in an unfamiliar place. It’s a sad world we live in where we have to tell people to be careful instead of telling people not to do an illegal, horrible thing, but it’s the only world we’ve got. Protect ya damn neck.

4. Get Involved

Your college experience is what you make of it; you get out exactly what you put in. If you’re tired of every parent, professor, douchey RA, and condescending older geed student saying that to you, you’re in good company, but it’s kind of true. If you sit on the sidelines and whine the entire time, you’ll have a bad time. You’ll be that whiny person who complains about everything wrong with the sorority but does nothing about it. If you want to do something, actually get involved. Join a committee, run for a cabinet position, even run for Panhellenic Council. That’s a GREAT way to make your chapter look good in front of the university AND feed your chapter information (or sweep its misdeeds under the rug). And don’t just get involved in your chapter–joining other organizations makes your chapter look good and involved all over campus. Are you a singer? Go out for an a cappella group. Dancer? Dance your ass off for the basketball team. Did shot put in high school? You put that motherfucking shot onto the field or whatever. Do anything and everything, just represent your letters and wear them proudly.

5. Cherish Every Moment

As we bitter, old (but still fierce as fuck) bitches will tell you every chance we get, college is one of the best experiences you will ever have in your life, and it’s all gone in the blink of an eye. Today, you’re a bright-eyed young freshman, eager to take on the world. Before you know it, you’ll be a jaded, cynical SWUG sobbing her way through her Pref Night speech to a group of bright-eyed young girls, just like you used to be. You’ll chug enough wine to kill a bull elephant just so you can forget the fact that you’re graduating in a few, short months. Face the facts: you’ll never have this much time constantly surrounded by your best friends ever again, you’ll never have access to a large pool of men at your disposal, you’ll never have this much cheap booze or great drunk food or major sporting events and tailgates within walking distance of your apartment ever again, so take advantage of it. All of it. You don’t want to look back after graduation and think, “Shit, I wish I could have done XYZ.” And while we’re at it…

6. #NoRagrets

College is all about taking chances, making mistakes, and getting messy as FUCK, to paraphrase Miss Frizzle from the “Magic School Bus.” You’re in the one place where most, if not all, of your mistakes are forgotten by the time the sun rises. Don’t get me wrong, because there are a few things you can do that will stick with you for the rest of your life: major felonies, sex tapes, taking nude pictures with your whole chapter, getting tazed while streaking across the football field, and voiding your bowels on national television, just to name a few–but you shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

Date whoever you want, do whatever you want, go wherever you want, have sex on top of school buildings, turn a fraternity yard into a slip n’ slide, have all the threesomes you want, go sledding down a massive hill on a lunch tray into a bunch of fraternity pledges pretending to be bowling pins–whatever you do, just do it. Remember every minute of it, and don’t have any regrets. Seriously. None. For every second a beautiful sorority girl regrets something, a wrinkle appears in Ryan Gosling’s face. Don’t do that to Ry-Ry. He deserves better than that.

So to the Class of 2019 (Holy fuck, are you fucking serious, 2019? Kill me, I can’t even.) live life to the fullest, get involved, and have the best time in college, but just don’t be fucking stupid, okay? I can’t stress that enough. Do the things you want to do, and ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, because nobody can tell you what to do with your life and your body except you.

Oh, and standards. Watch out for those bitches. They’re intense.

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Stefon

New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com

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