A Timeline Of Throwing A Halloween Party

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  • Try to make those cute candy-corn Jello shots you saw on Pinterest.
  • Inevitably screw it up and toss the sad orange goo.
  • Get frustrated and mix the remaining Burnett’s in a large bowl with some Hawaiian Punch.
  • Ahhh the sweet smell of freshmen mistakes and low standards.
  • Reminisce about a more carefree time when you could go out every night without five papers, four tests and three group projects waiting for your hungover ass to start Sunday.
  • Briefly consider being a responsible adult and not going out every night of Halloweekend.
  • Fuck it!
  • Start taking shots to make you forget about your responsibilities.
  • Remember you still need to get ready.
  • Change your costume a minimum of five times.
  • Regret counting walking to class as your only exercise.
  • Consider wearing a trash bag and going as your ex.
  • Inevitably go with the first costume you tried on because it makes your legs look best.
  • Your best friend comes over early to get ready.
  • Take more shots.
  • Attempt to do hair and makeup but your face is already a little fuzzy.
  • Whatever, it’ll be dark anyways.
  • Come downstairs to find a friend-of-a-friend drinking your top shelf Tequila.
  • Snatch the bottle away as nicely as possible while mentally ripping them a new one.
  • Get distracted by someone’s boyfriend falling and breaking your Styrofoam cooler.
  • No sooner do you finish sweeping up that mess than someone else has dropped your favorite wine glass because they’re apparently too good for solo cups.
  • Stop the dog from licking everything up.
  • Realize you don’t own a dog.
  • Take more shots because clearly you’re not drunk enough yet.
  • Spot the girl you hate who clearly wasn’t invited. Compliment her costume only because yours is better and you’re feeling generous.
  • In fact, you don’t even stop the drunk people from eating all your food. Decide your diet starts tomorrow.
  • Leave your roommates to deal with the drunk guys peeing in the bushes so you can party hop.
  • Have an infinitely better time at random frats because you’re no longer babysitting a bunch of drunks.
  • Still try to babysit your less drunk little by feeding her all the water until she yells at you that’s Vodka.
  • Take a sip. Yup, that is indeed vodka.
  • Conclude you’re actually the drunk one.
  • Do the puke and rally.
  • Uber to downtown bars in case there’s someone who still hasn’t seen your costume.
  • Make some strangers buy you drinks and leave before they can talk to you.
  • Decide your missing phone is a good sign you should return home.
  • Turn the light’s off upon your arrival to kick everyone out so you can go to bed.
  • Suddenly realize you don’t recognize anyone in your house.
  • Leave the neighbor’s house.
  • Kick out the still conscious drunk people from your bedroom, bathroom, and even off the roof. Marvel that no one fell off.
  • Pass out fully clothed with contacts still in, knowing you’ll regret this in the morning.
  • Wake up to pee.
  • See the sticky beer-stained disaster that is now your house.
  • Go back to bed and sleep til it’s time to go out tomorrow night.
  • Sincerely hope your roommates clean everything up before you have to.
  • Vow to never throw another party as long as you live.
  • Already know some promises aren’t meant to be kept.

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