According To Middlebury College, Energy Drinks May Ruin Your Life


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There are so many things that are bad for you in college. Alcohol, cigarettes, Adderall, fried food, pizza, alcohol, illicit drugs, ungodly amounts of sugar, unprotected sex, and more alcohol. Luckily, Middlebury College has found the underlying source of the issues that have plagued our country’s youth for the past century: energy drinks. That’s right, your Redbull is making you get drunk, high, and spontaneously hook up with your five ex-boyfriends all at once.

According to Vermont College, energy drink usage causes disrupted study habits and an irregular sleep schedule. Oddly enough, excessive school work has been shown to have similar side effects. Weird coincidence, right? But because of this sudden revelation, the school has voted to ban the sale of energy drinks on their campus in hopes of promoting a healthier living style among its student body. The school also claims that energy drinks can be linked to risky sexual activities and lead to drug abuse, because nothing sets the mood quite like taking a five-hour energy shot, am I right? As for the student body, many are calling bullshit on this mandate. Multiple students have commented on the fact that the college is trying to babysit them, and that there are larger issues prevalent on the campus besides consuming sugary drinks.

For those of you who are not as educated on caffeine as the rest of us addicts, most energy shots and drinks contain the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. And if Middlebury thinks that coffee is more natural or somehow healthier than the taboo energy drinks, they clearly have never seen the ingredient list on the typical mocha latte. Overall, the college appears to have good intentions but their methodology is confusing at best.

So, go drink your liquor, smoke your cigarettes, and eat your chicken tenders and fries. But whatever you do, don’t even think about touching that can of Redbull.


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PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at (note the single PSL).

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