Always The Bootycaller, Never The Bootycalled

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Nice Move

How To Ensure Guys Always Text You Back After Sex

Don’t you just hate when guys inundate your phone with requests for late night sex after a night of heavy drinking? Me neither, because it literally never happens. As a little girl, my mom sat me down and told me about texts that I would be receiving when I grew up. Texts like “u out?” or “where u at?” Invitations to “postgame” or “smoke.” Thinly veiled excuses to get me back to their room. I would have to put in absolutely no effort, and I could even get my Uber paid for me. I listened intently as I imagined my life as a modern day princess. The only time I would have to lift my finger would be to drop a pin, and the rest of the work would be done for me. But I have never been more wrong.

Doing my best to keep my eyes on my phone, and the prize, I typed out the most coherent sentence that I possibly could. Playing it cool, while still suggesting that I’m totally down was an art that I had mastered over the years. I should not have had that last vodka sprite, but there was no turning back now. I sent a few texts in the Greek alphabet before realizing I accidentally switched keyboards, and scrambled to redeem myself. After a few missed connections, I angrily stomp home alone. This is not the night I had envisioned for myself. I was supposed to go out and enjoy my night without having to spend it hunting. I was the one who was supposed to be hunted. The nights that were described to me were nothing like the nights I experience. I fell asleep with the room spinning around me and dreams of what the night could have been spinning around in my head.

I’ve never been shy with guys. When I want something, I go after it. This may be an indication of the precedent I set for myself. That I am the one who has to text first. That I’m the one who makes the plans. But what am I supposed to do, sit around like a fucking chump? I could switch up the pace and be a little patient for once, but guys are dumb. Sometimes, you have to give them a little push in the right direction. But it seems like I am the only one doing the pushing (resisting the obvious sex joke). Just once, I would like the lights to go in the bar, and as soon as I look down at my phone to check what time it is, a text from my flavor of the week pops up. Waiting for people, especially guys, is not in my nature, but this is starting to get exhausting.

A booty call is a token of affection. It’s letting someone know that even in your altered state, you are still thinking of them. This sweet, thoughtful gift is one that I genuinely enjoy giving to others. Working towards a goal that you eventually achieve is a rewarding experience. If everything were easy, then it wouldn’t feel as worth it. But is it too much to ask to have someone wonder if I’m up?

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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