‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Starts Tonight, So Here’s Everything ‘AHS’ To Get You Pumped Up


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American freaking Horror Story. Does it get much better than that? It’s like the perfectly crafted aphrodisiac. The horror mixed with the sexuality is enough to titillate all of your senses. Throw in some hot actors and maybe a cute boy to watch it with and you’re pretty much set for life. Or at least all of October. And after a year of waiting, today is the day. We’ve endured months of exciting news, devastating realizations, and a shit ton of teasers, and now the fifth season of AHS is starting tonight. But before we check into the hotel, I’d like to revisit the past four seasons. To reminisce about what we loved, what we hated, and why we just can’t get enough.

So until we can turn on the television at 10 p.m. tonight and see this…

Let’s take a look at what got us here. Because holy shit, this show is everything. And as for spoilers. I don’t know guys. I tried to leave them out but come on. The seasons are over. Watch them all the second they come out like the rest of us freaks and stop bitching.

American Horror Story: Season 1

Murder House


The first season is about infidelity. The story takes place in 2011 and follows the Harmon family: psychiatrist Ben (Dylan McDermott), his wife Vivien (Connie Britton), and their teenage daughter Violet (Taissa Farmiga), who move from Boston to Los Angeles after Vivien has a miscarriage and Ben had an affair. The Harmons move into a restored mansion and soon encounter the home’s former residents, the Langdons – Constance (Jessica Lange) and her two children, Tate (Evan Peters) and Addie (Jamie Brewer) – and the disfigured Larry Harvey (Denis O’Hare). Ben and Vivien try to rekindle their relationship, as Violet, suffering from depression, finds comfort with Tate. The Langdons and Larry frequently influence the Harmons’ lives, as the family discovers that the home is haunted by the ghosts of anyone who has ever died on the property.

Best Things About Season 1:
• All of the hot undead people. Hello? The maid? Tate? The creepy person in the bondage suit (who was also Tate but whatever)? Yes. Please.
• The chick from House of Cards was Ben’s mistress, which felt like a connection between our favorite shows.
• We meet Zachary Quinto and just immediately fall in love. Same goes for Jessica Lange. And Evan Peters.
• That twist where Violet had actually killed herself?! Shit was good.
• Everyone dies but they all become ghosts and pretty much live happily-ever-after.

Worst Things About Season 1:
• Literally everyone died.
• And you sort of didn’t realize how freaky the show was going to be so you’d watch it alone at night and FTFO.
• Emma Roberts wasn’t in it.
• Tate ended up being kind of a dick, proving that even dead guys are sometimes assholes.
• Living/being dead in that house would be annoying AF which is a shame because it’s actually, really pretty.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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