Well, it’s officially been one week since the mystery of the “American Horror Story Season 6” theme was revealed. In case you’re behind or just want a recap, this season we’re following a couple who moved into what appears to be a house haunted by people from the “Lost Colony” of Roanoke. Dead, ghost people obvi. Considering this season is called “My Roanoke Nightmare” that’s pretty easy to deduce. Last week there was teeth raining from the sky, some creepy, “Blair Witch”-esk moments and some nods to past seasons.
Now, let’s see what week two had to offer. As always, there are spoilers below — but I don’t know why you clicked on a recap if you weren’t expecting spoilers. Calm down and watch it live like the rest of us weirdos and stop having lives okay? Cool. Great. Let’s do it.
“American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare” Episode 2
So first of all, can we just take a second to be like, “where the fuck is the intro?” One of my favorite parts of “AHS” is the creepy intro with the bomb music and helpful hints to the season. But in addition to torturing us for the past few months by not revealing the theme, we’re now stuck with a weird pseudo-documentary without an intro. Whatever. Idc. No Big deal.
So it starts out with a gentle reminder that this is a dramatic reenactment. Remember, they’re doing some weird TV show confessional thing? Anyway, Kathy Bates is in the woods saying some nonsense and doing a freaky “Coven”-like ritual on a man. Sarah Paulson is watching this from the sidelines, staying hidden.
Kathy Bates puts a PIG’S HEAD on a guy’s body (I told you! “Coven” right?!) and then they burn him over a fire, as you do. Naturally this is the moment that a twig snaps and Kathy Bates tells her minions (including someone who looks a lot like Lady Gaga) to grab Sarah.
But Sarah (this is not her name in the show. I don’t know her name because I have the attention span of a goldfish) escapes, runs into the road and gets rescued by Lee, her husband’s sister whom she lowkey hates and is taken to a hospital. Police search the area and surprise! Don’t find anything, so they test the bitch for drugs. Don’t worry, she’s negative.
Lee decides to bring her daughter to the house. Grand idea considering it’s a haunted piece of land. And the second she leaves her child alone she starts talking to an imaginary friend named Priscilla. And this Priscilla? She is so not cool. She’s talking about blood and wanting to “make it stop” and trading safety for a bonnet (shitty trade IMO) and it’s just really unfortunate.
Also, I’d like to call attention to the fact that Lee’s daughter is eating APPLES with APPLE JUICE. What kind of a psycho snack is that? The bitch is not to be trusted.
And then, a vase of flowers breaks and look what’s next to them! A fucking bonnet. Cool. Great. Not at all concerning.
That night, the couple wakes up to pig noises. PIG noises. So what do they do? They go in the woods. And they keep catching glimpses of people running around them. In the woods. At night. And then, they see the pig head and guts strewn about over a fire. So, naturally, the guy starts ripping shit down, because that’s what guys do.
The cops finally say they’ll help, but let’s be real, at this point these folks see pretty fucking crazy.
The next night the phone rings. Cuba Gooding Jr. answers it and it’s a woman saying, “please, they’re hurting me.”
Ready for the kicker? THE PHONE CORD IS CUT.
But he keeps hearing the sobbing. He follows the sound find an old woman in a hospital bed with two nurses tending to her. Two nurses that look a lot like the ones from season 1. And then? They fucking shoot the old woman.
But the next second? They’re all gone. Dun Dun Dunnnn.
Now, back to Lee’s creepy daughter because this episode wasn’t already totally all over the place. Her dad comes to pick her up, and they find her hiding in a cupboard playing hide and seek. With Priscilla. The imaginary girl. And what’s she doing with the ole fake friend? Just trying to make a trade. She wants to give the ghost girl her doll so she “won’t kill us.” Because yes. This little girl says that “they’re going to kill us all” and she’s going to be last.
So, naturally, her dad takes her the fuck outta there.
Back to the couple, they see a cloaked woman in the yard, and they decide to go after her because they honestly haven’t learned their lesson yet. Once out there they see a cellar that they wisely go into. Here’s where a lot of questions are answered.
They find a tape with a man who lived in the house in 1997 discussing what went down. Basically he was writing a book about two deranged nurses who had a senior living home where they killed old people. And where was this retirement community? In the couple’s house. Yay!
At this point basically everyone in the house has seen the damn nurses. Lee even wakes up and sees them and feels like she’s “being watched over” but like in a good way smh. Stop it Lee. Stop it.
At this point, they’re all like “okay this place is fucking weird let’s go” but they can’t back out of the sale. So they’re sort of stuck. So to make matters worse, Lee goes and kidnaps her daughter from her ex (because no, she doesn’t have custody) and brings her back to this insane haunted house. Which goes well.
Jk. Her daughter sees a girl in old-timey clothes outside gesturing to her (#Priscilla) and she goes outside and disappears. When everyone realizes she’s missing they go looking for her and find her sweater at the top of the tallest tree to ever exist, ever. But no little girl. Awkward.
So yes. A whole bunch of shit went down. But still no theme song and still no Evan Peters so like, what even is the point?.
Image via Youtube