Here’s Everything You Missed From The “American Horror Story” Premiere (Including The Theme)


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American Horror Story season 6 my Roanoke nightmare

“American Horror Story” has taken us on a freaking journey this season, and it’s only just begun. For the past few weeks, Ryan Murphy and all of the evil people working at FX have enjoyed slowly torturing us. Instead of telling us the theme of the season like they do every freaking year, they decided to release fake leads and teasers thus sending us slowly insane.

But now, finally, it’s over. It’s back. “American Horror Story” is back. And with it comes the theme we’ve been waiting for.

For those of you who didn’t watch it live (amateurs) and don’t want the ruin it for yourselves stop now, because I’m going to throw spoilers around like it’s my damn job because you know. It is my job. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Theme: My Roanoke Nightmare

It starts with a “dramatic reenactment” couple talking about their journey to Roanoke, North Carolina. This season is different because it’s almost like a reality show. Weird right, but I can dig it. Lily Rabe talks to the camera like we’re on the Kardashians, and discusses how she and her husband were attacked by a gang in Los Angeles (you know, the place where “Murder House” took place). They were fine, but she lost her baby to a miscarriage. ‘Twas sad. So they did what any normal couple would do and moved out to the middle of fucking nowhere and purchased a creepy AF house for way under price.

You know. One that’s totally not haunted.

Luckily for Sarah Paulson (the “reenactment women” demonstrating Lily Rabe’s story. I know. It’s confusing. I don’t know why they did this to us either) she’s married to Cuba Gooding Junior (well, he’s the other reenactor. But hey, we’re about it). But, of course, shit goes down immediately. Teeth hail down from the sky, Sarah Paulson gets almost drowned in the hot tub (by someone who looked suspiciously like Kathy Bates) and remember those two ghost nurses from season one? Yeah. Prettyyyy sure those bitches walked by in the hallway.

So yeah. The place is haunted. Maybe it has something to do with the whole Roanoke thing.

Anyway, of course, the husband goes out of town, and his annoying sister (Angela Bassett) comes to stay with our leading lady. And, of course, someone breaks into the house. Or should I say *something*? (dun dun dunnn). And the intruder is making noises from, you guessed it, the basement. But when they get down there it’s just a home movie. And not like a porn one (don’t worry, though, we’ve already gotten a sex scene. It’s all good). A freaky one of people in the woods. Great.

And right on cue, the doors slam closed, the lights and TV go out, and they’re shit out of luck and stuck downstairs for like a half hour.

Now, Cuba is watching shit go down from his little spy surveillance camera on his phone. And what does he see? Hick people with fucking torches coming to the house. He assumes it’s the “country folk” he outbid for the house so he’s like, dammit I need to go.

When he gets back and they get out of the basement they see a whole bunch of little “Blair Witch” figures hanging from the ceiling. And what do they do? They go watch the creepy fucking video in the basement again. Because that’s a swell idea.

Naturally, Sarah gets pissed because come on, this is a bad idea. So she gets in her car and leaves. But as she’s speeding away she hits an old woman in colonial garb with her car. It’s Kathy Bates. Thank God. At least we get her back. Kathy gets up and starts walking into the woods and Sarah follows and gets fucking lost. And what does she see? Those “Blair Witch” stick figures again.

And people with torches. And a man with half of his head cut off.

So yeah, things aren’t going so well for them. Or for us, because Evan fucking Peters hasn’t appeared. So idk. Overall, it was interesting. Not the normal style and missing a lot of favorites, but hey, we got a glimpse of past seasons and at least we know the theme now. What a ride FX. Well done.

Image via Youtube

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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