It’s happened. Queen of the single ladies, Amy Schumer has been locked down. The girl made famous for talking about a snail trail of semen falling out of her vagina is in a relationship. And you’re not. Which is fine. I’m happy for our girl. I mean, I really did think she was our girl, when it turns out she’s a vicious traitor, but whatever.
Five days ago, Ben Hanisch, a Chicago furniture designer, posted a photo with a *pauses, gags, catches breath* really sweet caption of the two lovebirds.
And at first, you’re like, whatever. Anyone can say a celebrity is their boyfriend or girlfriend. Every woman on planet Earth does that with Justin Bieber all the time, PLUS, his Instagram is really boring — I mean, it has a nice aesthetic, but there’s no pictures for me to properly judge him by, so how do we know he’s even a real person? But then, Schumer herself tweeted the following photo of her sister, brother-in-law, and Hanisch with the caption “fam and man.”
Fam and man at the whitehizzy pic.twitter.com/L27nIZsgpb
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) January 5, 2016
You know that friend you always bond with about being single? Like she’s probably one of your best friends, because all your other friends are out being in relationships, and you’re always like “it’ll never be me. Haha! At least we have each other!”? And then she gets a boyfriend and you’re happy for her, because you know how much she deserves it, but you’re also kind of like “Umm. Welp”?
That’s how I feel right now..