An Ode To The Orginal Celebrity Shitshows

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Nice Move

Everyone’s been in kahoots lately because Amanda Bynes decided to pierce her cheeks, bleach her hair, and tweet a few almost-naked selfies. Yes, this bitch is batshit insane, but it’s obvious she’s just a second-rate version of Lindsay Lohan, who will forever be THE Hollywood disaster of our generation. While Lindsay obviously deserves respect for all of the time and effort she’s put into developing various substance addictions and ruining her career, it’s important to recognize the origins of her terrible behavior reaping tremendous rewards. Yes, Lohan is synonymous with “disaster,” but let’s not forget that all of the crazy had to stem from somewhere. I’d like to recognize the shitshows who would in turn inspire today’s trainwrecks: my all-time favorite psycho bitches. May they rest in peace.

1. Lizzie Borden

Lizzie Borden
Lizzie Borden took to an ax because she was sick of curfew. I mean, was it a little extreme to give her parents a respective 80 or more blows with a sharp object? Probably. Either way, this bitch is the first known crazy on record, and I think it’s important we pay respect where respect is due.

2. Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston
She wanted to dance with someone, as long as it didn’t interfere with her crack addiction. What’s that, Whit? Crack is whack? Yeah, well, so is falling in love with your body guard. I will always love Whitney, but I’ll mostly always love her very public unraveling. She inspired Rihanna’s love life, Lindsay’s substance abuse problems, and I’m assuming her vocal abilities inspired some singer with talent somewhere down the line. Either way, that interview where she vehemently denied her drug addiction? Performance art, effing duh.

3. Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith
The world’s first gold-digger, our girl Anna proved you could have it all: a dead husband who left you his fortune, an epic reality show, a bizarre love triangle, a weight-loss product endorsement, and a drug addiction. She was definitely not the brightest bulb on the the tree, but she did give a new meaning to insanity.

4. Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse
BLAAAAKEEEEEEEE. Going down as the most insane, needy, codependent crooner in history, Amy loved to stalk and harass her exes until the day she drank herself into a permanent coma in her London flat. Lohan looks like an amateur compared to some of the bullshit Wino pulled. Her early death came as a “shock” to everyone, which actually came as a shock to me. For every person that regarded her passing with, “I can’t believe Amy Winehouse died,” I had to make sure they weren’t kidding. You really couldn’t believe she died? That was so unfathomable? Right.

5. Tara Reid

Tara Reid
I don’t think people recognize how truly talented Tara Reid was. She became famous after playing the super hot, kind of bitchy, somewhat-virginal Vicky in the American Pie franchise. She reinforced the idea that spitters are quitters (how’s the pale ale, Stiff?) in the film. I real life, she became one of the first “starlets” to be photographed getting thrown out of a club somewhere, while shitfaced. People threw all these hurtful words at her such as, “rehab” and “botched boob job.” Regardless of what Lindsay has done, Tara did it first, and I think it’s time people recognized that. Seeing as she’s the only person on my list who’s not dead, I think it’s time for her to get arrested and assert her relevance once again.

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