Dear, sweet Baby Yeezus,
The entire world has celebrated your long-anticipated arrival, and I’m so happy you got here safe and sound. Coming prematurely can lead to a multitude of complications, just ask any of the guys I tried to date during high school. All semen jokes aside, I’m thrilled you’re healthy and in the arms of your parents, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
In case you didn’t know, you’ve been dubbed, “American Royalty” by the US paparazzi. You’ve been compared to the actual royal baby, that of Duchess Kate and Prince William since basically the date of your conception. You have a lot to live up to, I understand. I just want to let you know that you should prepare for a life of fame and paparazzi scrutiny. If you want to succeed, you’ll heed my advice.
First of all, as I’m sure you’re aware, your mom is fucking cray cray. She might not seem insane at first, but after you spend a few minutes listening to her talk in a pseudo baby voice and blink eerily slowly, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Who am I kidding? You know firsthand. You were inside her for almost nine months. A lot of other people have been inside of your mom, but I don’t think they saw the inside of her womb, so you’re unique in that, at least. You’ve also come to realize something I’m sure many people have realized before you: your mom’s vagina is terrible. I can’t think of another reason why you decided to leave it 5 weeks early.
As for your father, I can attest to his musical gifts. He’s somewhat of a prodigy in the world of men’s fashion, I suppose. When you’re older, you’ll be able to borrow a skirt or two from him, which is convenient. He might seem a little eccentric, but trust me, he’ll be able to teach you how to become successful in whatever industry you choose to conquer. He’ll also teach you valuable life lessons, like how many men of your age will cry, “we want pre-nup!” and hopefully you’ll be wise enough to know that protecting your own assets is key in any quasi-successful sham of a Hollywood marriage.
Your extended family is a complete disaster, but in the best way possible. Your grandmother, Kris, will probably have a modeling contract, record deal, and diaper line set up for you within the next two weeks. Your Aunt Khloe will teach you things like how to sit on the court at an NBA game while getting photographed by paparazzi. Your Aunt Kourtney will teach you everything you need to know about life – LISTEN TO HER. Maybe, if you’re lucky, your cousin Penelope will let you borrow her clothes. You can hang out with her. Your Uncle Rob will be the cool uncle that lets you eat junk food for dinner, a dieting tactic he’s employed in his daily life. I’m sure your aunts Kendall and Kylie will offer to babysit you. I’m fairly certain you’ll be safe in their care, which I can’t say about your own mother. I’m really hoping she does a better job with you than she did with her cat Mercy, whom she brought to night clubs, lost, and ended up killing after a few short months. She did Instagram a few good pictures of her though, so at least that’s in your favor.
Speaking of caretakers, there is a crazy, blonde, rat-faced lady named Taylor who will probably come out of the woodwork and try to babysit you for a day or two. She still hasn’t gotten over the fact that your father is hilarious and sometimes rude, and I can only imagine she’s been plotting ways to ruin your dad’s life since the night he got wasted and made her cry. Trust me, it was funny, and she’s a bitch. Anyway, she likes to pretend to be a “nice girl” who “loves babies and cats.” If some bizarre girl dressed like a kindergarten teacher tries to take care of you one day, you need to refuse her efforts and call the authorities immediately. When she says she’s “taking you swimming,” you’re not going to the pool at the Calabasas Country Club, she’s pulling a Susan Smith. Don’t say I didn’t warn you little Kimye.
I also think it’s important that you realize you will forever be compared to the Windsor baby, the heir to the throne across the pond. Don’t let it get to you. It’s not your fault you weren’t born into a regal blood line, and it’s not your fault your parents (probably) gave you some stupid name that will never be associated with leading a country. I know it might be rough to see little “who wore it better” magazine features showcasing your failure to live up to the baby prince or princess, but this should be a learning moment for you. Instead of becoming bitter of the royal baby, you should do everything possible to befriend him or her. If I were you, I would lobby to be sent to boarding school in England as soon as possible. Who knows? Maybe if Will and Kate have a boy, you can attend the same college as he does and start dating him, much like Kate did in order to “coincidentally” date the Prince of England. You can do this.
Regardless of how you decide to live your life, I hope you don’t follow your mother’s footsteps and release a video of you doing questionable acts. Worst case scenario, you’ll turn into another talentless, entitled Hollywood brat, in desperate need of rehab, a la any spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Best case scenario, you’re the best friend or bride of royalty.
The world is your oyster, Lil’ Kim(ye). Welcome.
P.S. – Tell your mom I’m sorry I forgot to send a baby shower gift. I haven’t been able to find a book called, “So Your Mommy Made a Sex Tape,” so I’ve been busy penning my first children’s book under that title. I’m sure she’ll understand.
- Image via Associated Press